YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE? THIS...RIGHT NOW ...RIGHT HERE MOMMY

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE? THIS...RIGHT NOW ...RIGHT HERE, MOMMY!

Sipping her Nescafe Classico Dark Roasted, Susie, started to think about her "Yaya" Carmen and how her ex and her used to laught at her grandmother's choice of coffee when they were living in Spain and she was still barely eighteen years old. How odd! Now, there she was at forty-six, alone in her kitchen heating up a cup of two percent milk and trying to save time and coffee drinking instant coffee just like her granny.

She had just moved again for the fourth or fifth time in a two year period. This time into a two bedroom apartment next to the Westwood Mall, finally in a decent spot in Riverview city. Lately, there had been an internal awakening about her role in this world and how long she had. She felt slipping away from civilization more and more and wondering how it would be not having to pay for a house, a car, and everything that came with living under the system. Buddha had warned about possesions and how everything that was not needed including expectations would bring suffering.

She had tried to express this fleeting thought of eternity with the man that shared her life, telling him how alone she felt...how out of touch with the rest of people...but sadly, his world only revolved around his needs which lately were career oriented.

-You? He had said...you are a breeder...not an outer box personality...you work for a corporate firm..you are a sheep....and he had smirked and smiled almost laughting at her life and choices. She told him, " I would recommend that you never become a guidance counselor." As always he had to win every argument, so he challenged her you know...to win...pushing...kicking her down..in a metaphorical way... instead of sympathizing...understanding...humanizing...Nope, no empathy...he considered that a weakness. How different we were!

Did he not understand that she was just feeling alone?...she saw...in his eyes...triumph. He had to win..over her misery.
She felt broken, but relieved to finally see the truth he had been hiding or the truth that she had been hiding from herself.

I wish she could have expressed how lonely and misunderstood she had felt. A breeder? Was not that a bad word...denotating some reckneck with 8 kids living on a trailer...and getting foodstamps? She was deeply offended and hurt...but more and more she could see how the man in her life did not understood her at all.

Susie said: Sometimes is better to be happy than right...as he always he wanted to get the last word in.
He cared for her in his own way...he had said love, but she was not sure that he knew what love was not in the equation, at least not what she understood as love.

For almost two years she had tried in vain to climb the wall separated them and that he had put up, and once in a while she had enjoyed time on the other side of the wall, but that was all just an illusion. Isnt that what she was studying that everything was delusions that kept us from understanding the truth...the now?

She understood that this lack came from him and not from her, but not being love in the appropiate way that she needed...it hurt...her skin and heart did not feel it at all. Once again, she had followed a path that might take her nowhere and she knew this, she could feel the truth sinking in more and more as the months progressed.

There was an aching inside her bones for the last days that would not go away. Possibly arthritis or a combination of sadness and lack of achievement. Her neck, shoulders and back were on fire 24/7. What did her friend Dr. David from work had said? That he had seen in his patients how lack of achievement hurts your neck and back? The truth is that she was tired of being something for someone else...and no one...wanted to give her their energy. She gave sympathy and a listening ear to everyone that needed it, but she had no one to turn.

The kids take, of course, they are kids, the ex-husband the young one A-hole...took and took...maybe it was his lack of caring for her and her child...the darkness asking her for money to babysit her own son knowing that she would have to go donate blood twice a week to give him money.


The boyfriend...fighting to win on every decision that she did as a mother even though he would not commit emotionally fully to his son or her. She was tired...of the takers. Then at work...a bunch of vampires....taken my time...my time with my son...training people... volunteering pouring my own energy...and then ...all that for nothing...to give it to someone that had given nothing. She did not understood society anymore. Frankly, she did not want to play.

There were days that she felt invincible and felt capable of scalating Mount Everest and others were she felt like an eighty year old crone that just wanted to be left alone. Maybe it had to do with work. At the office and for the last week she had felt her job getting nowhere. Again they had promoted another thirty-something corporate chick that she had trained over her just because she fit their expectations...of someone that would not challenge them in any way.

She was not sour about the decision, not really, but she was upset that the lack of respect and trust that she expected from her company was not there. She was demotivated in general. Basically she was in need of love and she was not getting that from anyone except her five year old. Alois, always said: Do you know what I like? No, Alois, what do you like? And he will say more sure than any man she had dated....This, my momma, your love...right here!

The truth is that lately, she was just sad, and the sadness was creeping into her eyes. Everything seemed to take too much effort and if it was not for his five year old Alois, she might just lie down all weekend or dissapeared to the farthest corner of the world.

Her father had suffered a heart attach at 34 years of age and her grandfather died in his early sixties. although she had not confessed that to anyone she started to worry about her child being with her alone at night and had trained the little boy on how to call 911 or one of her exes in case she will not wake up. Stranger things had happened. Dead did not scare her and that she thought was probably the tragedy of it all.

At last she had finished writing her silly book about her blog, but now it seemed it might be a bad idea to try to publish something so far fetch and silly and that might even cost her job as people tend to observe with limited perception and make up absurb assumptions about who she is.
The older she is gotten the more she missed her country and she started to recall the good times and the bad times she had lived and experienced since her arrival in the United States in 1994.

She wrote a weekly blog called, "Why You Suck," that had been stopped a year ago as things that are written out of feeling and emotion are extremely personal and private and most people dont like their business all over the internet. The blog was therapeutic for her as she really did not have someone to call a friend in which to confide. Everyone was a judge, it seems.

Her mother, Pili, the closer to her always try to make men look like ogres and for some reason everything had to be dramatic and relationship ending. After talking with her she felt drained, more miserable and upset with herself. She wished she could have a good impartial friend that will not judge her or mistreat her.

Her man, Figjam, was a man that did not know the heart of a woman and how it worked. He was a good man and treated her well, but she started to think that she might better alone and he was strange with close affection, reserved and aloof at best most of the time and she suffered dearly for it as she was the complete opposite. Bonding, Passion, Yearning, Vulnerability were not really there.

The only thing that keep her going these days was a new idea for April: a trip. The trip of a lifetime it seems she needed some spiritual guidance. Looking for yoga retreats she had found a beautiful place, Ubud. In Ubud she thought, I might find what I need: Myself.