REMEMBER WHEN....?

My friend Encarna one of the sweetest and most loyal people I have ever known in my life, told me years ago something that always comes to mind in certain circumstances, she said that people are worse than animals and that they forget magically everything that you have done for them, but animals always offered their love unconditionally.

Now when she said that to me about seven years ago while both of our husbands were stationed in Aviano Air Force Base it didnt occur to me to ask her why she would say that. Sometimes we talk about the sin but not who the sinner is my grandmother Carmen will say. Today that thought came to mind when two of my dearest friends back home were caught making fun of the way my life is here in the USA. 

So my answer is this: Remember when all the kids in the neighboorhood were bullying you because you were different and I was right there defending you and getting into fights for you? More than once I went home with a black eye because of you. Remember when you were doing cocaine, and extasy and you couldnt get off it..and I went and put you under the cold shower and made you puke before you OD? I was there. Remember when you lost your child and I tried to come to Spain to give you money and get a lawyer so we could help you find him? I was there. Remember when you came to Florida to visit and even though I was broke I offered you my best bedroom, rent you a car for you and your friend and feed you, clothed you and drive you around so you could have fun and learned the American Culture?? I was there.

Remember when you got married to an immigrant from an eastern country and everyone did not approve and said things that were mean, misleading and cruel about you and her and I defended you and supported you with your decision? I was there. Remember when mom and dad were always fighting over stupid shit and I changed your diapers, cleaned you, fed you and sing to you by rocking your crib every night...well this you might not remember, but I was there.

When you needed someone to teach you to ride a bike or you scraped your knee and mom was so depressed she couldnt get off the bed and dad was having the time of his life living his life, I was there. When you decided to escape school and go play I was there to pick you up and put you back to school so you wouldnt get in trouble..I was there.

Remember when dad gave you this big job and was not given that chance because I was a girl and you ended up working for one of the most successful companies in the world? I was not there...I was bartending so we could eat...I was selling shoes and clothes to pay for my books so I could go to school...I was already a grownup once you were born. Remember when we moved to a new apartment and you were too little to help carrying furniture out of the truck..I was eleven...I was little too...but I was there for you.

Remember when you were heartbroken and were getting everyone's help financially and given chances like going to barber school or cooking school. I was not there, I was in the USA...heartbroken and broke donating blood and homeless and when you called me and you said: I need you....I went and help you out with words and with financial help.

So I asked both of you....last week why were not for me when I have always been for you. Love you guys. Mystique James.

15 MILES IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

15 MILES IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

A life of a person is composed of moments and memories and I wonder if when I am not longer here some stranger will read my blog 50 years from now and find it amusing, silly, or completely stupid. When I started this blog about a year and a half ago my main aim was to inspire women everywhere to vent about their relationships, their stupid boyfriends that had either broken their hearts or simply were pieces of shit like mine was.

But now I see that my awful writing is more of a journal, kind of a survival experience and that this is hell much cheaper than psychotherapy. Every other week, I tell myself I WILL NOT succumb any more to this pointless dating strangers...learning their habits and tells...yes each one of them have one or more than one as I guess I have mine, but every week or every other week I talk with these strangers.

Sometimes a few line of texting..nothing much...it gets nowhere...as I am becoming much better on my screening and elimination process. I mean...dont have a job...? dont have a car?? what you dont have a license?...DUI? Felony? automatic NO..NOS. BUT then  you also meet and talk with people on the phone that are nice...decent guys out there...but when you meet them...well lets say that EPIC failure. In the last three weeks I have had five or six dates...only repeated with one guy which seems might have some future..but now all of them I compared to him. I even stopped dating for a couple weeks as it seemed unfair to me to have dates with people that I could never find anything good as I was still in love with him. How odd!

And then, I remember the things he said like: I am just coming over because you live fifteen miles the right way...how lucky for me to live fifteen miles the right way. I wonder if he knew how much it meant to me the last time I saw him.. He said I looked great, that I was gorgeous...and beautiful...never to be seen again. I dont try to contact him anymore since I have to learn to live without him.

The life of a single mother is odd, isnt it? I mean once you stop worrying and looking all of the sudden men start appearing and coming out of the woodwork...is crazy...and then you dont feel like being loving...why should you try again? My friend Matt told me today that sometimes you dont feel the butterflies right away...I was talking about someone I been dating for the last two weeks.

How is possible? With S.L.there were there the first twenty minutes and I am not talking about passion or lust...I am talking about chemistry; a twin feeling of sympathy...the ability to feel comfortable with each other right away.

Have you guys fell in love without the butterflies? Do relationships like that have any future? I am starting to think that I might not be able to love anyone except my children. I guess my next post, I promised will not be so dark..but it is late and no one reads this anymore. I am in my apartment alone tonight my date will not be joining me tonight, but I think we do like each other enough to miss eatch other. He is 6'3, red hair, awesome physique, a gentleman, and when he mentioned if he should bring one of his bikes to pick me up...I thought not...better the track as bikes...remind me of S.L. There are two types of men in this world and you ladies are the ones that bring one or the other out. 

I had an awful date this past Friday...it lasted 35 minutes...we met in Clearwater in Bahama Breeze and I have been talking to him for 3 weeks...nice guy...but when I met him and after giving him a hug ...I told him: I am so sorry..never done this before...but I need to go...he was like...wahttt??? You need to go now?...Me: Yeap...and then I RUN...I RUN like Julia Roberts in the run away bride. I RUN as fast as my 3 inch heel black velvet boots will carry me...it was so beautiful....outside next to the beach...the atmosphere...the couples...I looked at the stars and I wish I would have my telescope with me...I closed my eyes...letting the breeze moved my sundress......I dont want to settle...I cannot do guys with low IQ..I am sorry...I cannot do rainmen...I cannot do close talkers...I cannot do....wife cheaters....BDSM weirdos...I cannot do...control freaks....and I can not do men that tell me that the only reason to see me..is because I am 15 miles in the right direction.

HUH...15 MILES THE RIGHT WAY I got into my silver KIA FORTE and drove like the wind....away from there....was I inheriting the same traits than my counterpart S.L? Is this what he felt that day he dissapeared when he was with me....I felt guilt....I felt stupid....He said I couldnt understand what I was feeling...on my way home I got to be honest I cried...I needed to let it go...I needed to let go of all the few, very few memories of him and learn to love someone else.

I called my new beau...Hi, is me. Him: What are you doing? You dont sound good. I thought he sounded worried for me only two dates and he cares but once again his background he was an EMT and firefighter...a healer like me..Me: I am fine...I am home....I went on a date..like I told  you..but it was horrible...I felt terrible...I run...but I couldnt stand it...it was like making my body doing something it didnt want to do. Him: How about a rescue date...He came.for me..it was a rescue mission...15 MILES in the right direction......it will continue.

JET PUFFED

JET-PUFFED

So here I am inside my new apartment which is still bare since I have not been able to get all my stuff out of storage yet. Go through the closet, damn, I was doing so well! Lost another five pounds. When I was younger and going through a crisis I would always loose weight but now...the other way around gained some weight and now I am looking at the marshmallow jet puffed white clouds and some mustard pretzels. No damn it stay away!

I am without my kids tonight and just got home after a grueling day at the office, love the job, but long hours today trying to make my sales quota for the month. My boss is the best, but I do miss teaching and working at the hospital..helping people directly.

Christmas is around the corner and everyone seems to have it all together, their husbands putting up the Christmas lights. At work we have this big Christmas party.

Free food, free drinks,..beautiful music...beautiful night all around our company will be throwing us a Christmas ball and I have decided to go...even if it is by myself. I could have a date for the party, but I wanted to take someone meaningful with me..so yeah long ranger yours truly. I wonder if I will be able to afford a tree and Christmas this year after the Thanksgiving expenditures and my son's Eriks' bday. Life in the USA is getting expensive.

I was doing fine until today, until I was driving back home, Adele's song, "Hello" was playing on 93.3 FM and I told myself not to be consciously hearing as I heard that song like a million times this week before work, during work on the speakers, and after work while driving home in my Kia Forte which by the way seems to be falling into pieces.

Again thinking of S.L. What a strange hold he has over me. He is gone for good now, and I have been going on other dates for the last month..some good...some not so good...but none with a real connection until last weekend. I think I told myself so much I was in love with him...funny he got scared when I said that...I just blurted out...tell you the truth back then..I didnt really meant it...but then...after a few weeks...I did..but I couldnt say it...how strange love is...all these rules and regulations about how to love and talk...etiquette which makes no sense...at least not to me. People never said what they mean..they are so afraid of everything...

Am I in love? Not sure, but sure feels like it. I went on a date a couple of weeks ago with someone I thought was different, stable, wanted the same things I wanted seemed to like me. I really felt that this new stranger will be the new man in my life calling chemistry? He was a proper gentleman all the way throughout the date and asked me to see me again. I got excited to the possibility that I found someone that not only will compliment my life, but someone better than S.L. for me.

Then he canceled...well he didnt show not a text or a phonecall. Lame. Unexpected. You bet I was furious. I called a male friend of mine in Orlando and he said, "that is not cool." The bad thing was not that he didnt show although that made me feel like shit, excuse my french..the worse thing was I think I was finally over thinking about S.L. and I..but no..is there no one for me out there. Following my mother's advice I closed my profile in all the dating websites and now all of the sudden men are asking me out more often and more in number...but now..I am not interested. If I answer to one look what happens.

But chickies, is not use i see a motorcycle passing by...and I think of him again...especially on the weekends when I am by myself and trying to escape loneliness I go to Largo or St Pete beaches to just do something..enjoy nature and the sun and keep my feet and soul grounded from going a bit crazy. I see a motorcycle and then I cannot focus anymore...I think where he is..who he is with...what lucky or crazy bitch is with him now riding on his bike or maybe in his bed and I well I miss him.

Not sure if I cry for me or for him..Linda says that sometimes we get used to the pain and that is better than nothing..but I dont want to feel pain...the only time I forget is when I am at work or with my kids...but see I am a thinker...logical and this him and I did not make sense. I sure I dont sobbed or say...Why me...and all that bull...but more than one time I will wake up with tears in my eyes or while driving to work...listening to country...i changed around all the stations..even writing this blog....I think of him again. Sometimes is a tear sometimes I have to stop to drink a glass of merlot.

There is nothing like sitting on one of those beach restaurants looking at the sea with a beautiful breeze and sunshine while you close your eyes and drink an aged Merlot. Then everything is better or at least great for a few minutes. I feel like I am a widow, like I lost someone when it shouldnt had happened, and it happened anyways and I didnt have much choice in the matter. I try to replay the different things and scenarios...our encounters...things I texted...things I said or possibly left unsaid the last time he came to see me a month ago..maybe more and I know in my heart is not my fault..shouldnt blame myself...but I do wonder how could I have changed to be able to keep him close.

Maybe it is because I write this blog...even though I dont say who he is. Am I obsessed with him? Dear readers and followers...I dont think so..just hurting..., but I do care for him although it seems he has moved on for good..he has chosen not to remind friends...another hurt.

Things are coming together little by little. I am starting my online business again. My blog is finally paying off and my children seemed happy. I am just looking for a good egg...My friend in Orlando his name is Kyle..talks to me about dating there. He says, :guys want sex...and of course they go for the physical appearance first. I get it. I dont consider myself a model..but not orca fat either. Ironically..men tend to pick size 10 to 12s.

 I really dont think that is the problem..but you know guys do want someone that is fit...is beyond me how they expect someone that is on their 40s (late forties) to have a size 0..after 3 kids...look perfect but dont wear make up...have stable jobs, a degree, a BMW...and be a personal trainer...oh wait also high sex drive....and make sure you do what I want you to do and think what I want you to think...but then they also want someone caring, honest, loyal and be able to take care of their four kids.

Wow..no realistic expectations at all. I do look physical appearance, but most of the times (there is always the crazies)..you can really see beauty on a person's soul and spirit and feel that connection. Have we become so picky that we cannot establish that connection unless these strangers we date have fulfill some stupid requirement's list? I guess so.

All I know is that I am not giving up on finding the right one...even if I have to kiss a few frogs..I meant if I give up...I am not giving up on finding the right one...I am giving up on believing that there is such a thing as the one...right?

Well my search continues..thanks for sharing is 3:00 am EST and tomorrow I work. Love and Light. Mystique James.

STITCHES FOR MICHIGAN

STITCHES FOR MICHIGAN

 

Once again on a Sunday afternoon hanging out at my favorite spot here at Barnes and Nobles in Brandon, Florida since I said NO, NO to Brighthouse extremely nefarious and high prices. I have been coming here for eight years..pretty much they should reserve a spot for me....VIP CHICK.

Here, I stand with my new green flannel shirt and slim jeans hanging next to the Westwood Mall filled with nursing students, alone souls, and retirees...scanning yes you guess...for a soulful male of the species...I scan the coffee shop...yes a couple of good looking guys...one seems to submerged on his book looks adorable...but it seems out of it and upset about something.....other with the wife making eye contact... GOOD GOD! I am starting to believe my mother when she says that all men are cut by the same cloth. I guess there is nothing wrong with looking but the bastard looked up me like wow I love your assticle....get lost loser and put attention to your woman,,,I thought and I raised an eyebrow...damn I am starting think that loyalty and love dont exist..everyone looking for the next shiny object.

 I wander around the isles..stopping on the pagan section...nothing new here.....I got almost every book....I fantasize about how I will meet THE ONE...and if it will ever happen like in the movies...you know like when you go to the bookstore...pick a book and someone reaches for the same book...you look into his eyes....and him in yours...and is love at first sight.

How lame is that? I guess some men do fantasize of the same thing...but I bet on their dreams...I am a size zero dressed as a cheerleader....but smart in a way...maybe dark black thick rim glasses and some kind of small lacey skirt....and they are there to help me or teach me a lesson..yes predictable...there is always pornhub guys...lmao. Well dont get me started I am extremely creative at coming up with borderline sexy scenarios..you catch my drift. Yes so I think S.L. is the one but he can only be the one if he is willing right? And he is obviously so busy...thinking how to get the perfect woman that he is missing me...oh shit S.L. sooner or later...this train will not be in the station ..you better get your shit straight.

 Damn now next to me a super hotty...bold man..yes I am incorregible....this is turning into a sicknes...but you know what I am forty-four...and I want to enjoy my life...so there no need for all of you to judge me...I do enough of that myself 24/7..just looking...okay...and I am saying what all of you want to do anyways...fudge. Turn around, okay...wow he looked younger...the guy is at least 55 and with his child..still hottness but .I guess you really need to turn around the whole way...lmao..okay epic downfall that is a NOOOO. NEXTTTT!

Wondering how I am turning into a souless and on a major B lately..as the days go by...lately I sing at my apartment "Faith Hill," 'Let me let go" and "I will" thinking of S.L. who appeared on my life once more...but now he is more like one of those birds that fly south only when some other bitch rejects them...or maybe they come home for the summer to catch easy prey. I think he thinks I am a doormat always there when he needs me, maybe he is right...when he asks I dont have the heart to tell him no...he is such a sexy mofo..and maybe some of you readers will think the same, but I rather settle for one person that once in a while and enjoy that date random strangers that dont satisfy me in any way. 

Still on the search? I guess S.L. rejection does not leave me much of an option...or maybe this is after school homework? For my research, I do still search on dating sites...and gosh as the days go by...I discover more and more loneliness and deceit...so I decided...to lay down for a while. POF, Okay Cupid, SingleDating, and dont get me started with ZOOK's...now working for okay cupid as a moderator I see more beef and tuna that in Publix...yuckkkk...so grosss you guys...but I worked for them they pay me a little money to go over profiles and moderate pictures and language. 

Yesterday, Halloween...again lonely all the couples making plans to get dressed up as this or that...and me missing S.L. who couldnt care less for me and possibly doing plans with his "friend." I hate how people use the word "friend' to define...I am sleeping with someone else when I am not with you, just a theory of course...it could be just a friend...wherever...at this time I ignore the hurt...and keep moving on. Just like Sara Evans says: I am getting a little stronger as time go by...I am done on how it feels... I am done with you dragging my heart around. So I decided to go dancing..my butt off...IT IS Saturday night....I am definetly not staying home....waiting for you to call..for the last three weeks I have been talking with MICHIGAN...yes you guess it..he is from MICHIGAN and coming to Tampa to live soon.

MICHIGAN is a forty-two year old, attractive, intelligent guy...and when we talk on the phone there is such a connection...where did I find MICHIGAN...I better not say...but lets say that his ad said: WANTED GIRLFRIEND. LMAO. I can hear all of you...omg ...you are going to finish in a body bag...what the hell girl...you are crazy...you are stupid...Respectfully...I AM NOT AFRAID TO DIE AND I DONT GIVE A FUCK at this point...sorry.

I guess the 3.00 dollar bottle of Merlot at ALDI did its work because loneliness got hold of me last past week and after searching the internet for part time jobs..I decided to answer MICHIGAN and after texting for a bit....I tell you the truth I felt lucky I answered. MICHIGAN turn out to be a business man with plenty of funds...handsome...in shape...that adores me for my mind and my looks...treats me with respect and like a queen...so MICHIGAN here I come we set up a date. 

MICHIGAN wanted someone for a real relationship...he is not into casual dating..he is tired of social media crap...as a matter fact he does not even own a smart phone...he says: I got my laptop..which I thought was charming...He wanted someone to be his girlfriend..to have a future with someone.. .a real connection...well I am looking for the same. When we connected so well on the phone had dinner...chemistry good...and then it happen...what happened? S.L. happen...my head and heart couldnt get in agreement. This was the freaking monologue: My head: S.L. is using you..the minute he finds the perfect friend...he will completely forget that you exists...My heart (the loser): But he makes me feel different..My head: (the real loser): This guy is perfect...if he turns out to be as half handsome as his picture you will be stupid to say no. My Heart: (Okay let's give it a try). 

 Trying to reason with your heart is like trying to reason with a five dollar hooker they just want what they want. So I went out with MICHIGAN...and who knew....actually I enjoyed myself...good dinner...good conversation..good manners...I think I met MR. GREY without the kinkiness.

So....since I promise not to do to others what has been done to me...I told MICHIGAN off...he was hurt...I thought you and I talked and I was what you wanted...the truth is ...I miss talking with him...and laughting with him...but my heart will not let me continue....fuck the guy is extremely perfect...he mountain bikes...beautiful body...intelligent...he is healthy...and he can follow me in the other department...or so it looks like...yes MICHIGAN and FLORIDA it seems...have the stretch of S.L. or said major canyon in between them. So once again young and confused...well not so young but definetly confused...since I know S.L. and I will never had a future at least the future that I thought we should have but while I am sure he still searching for his size zero fit girlfriend..and leaving opportunities behind...S.L...Men in general there is no such thing as perfect....sorry to let you know..if someone.that is smart..has money and her life together...then you guys want submissive...go buy a puppy...lmao .....guys are such dicks!!

 So I went dancing by myself and forget everything around my life...job...bills,...S.L....men......it has always been that dancing, singing, and jogging...clear my mind...and everything seems beautiful again after ...dancing my butt off  until I pass out...six hours to my count...I think the DJ was impressed..I wonder what he would say if he knew I am forty-four...at the dance floor I watch the twenty-something girls that cannot keep up....what a bunch of pussies....wow....they do the whole twerking and putting their ass up in the air...wow...our culture is definetly going downhilll more and more...funny the only decent looking guy 30 or so comes over and starts to dance with me...kisses me on the cheek...and says: You are the sexiest in the whole floor...Awesomeness....yes I continue dancing and he dances with me for about ten minutes then he goes to another one...I knew that...already...that is what they all do..go from flower to flower...until one says yes...what a game..the more I ignore him the more he comes to dance it off..

..

The art of seduction is all that..and art...and men dont like it when they have it easy..they are hunters by nature..What makes me beautiful is that I dont need him...and the more unaprochable I am the more I become on his eyes the best....I become what he cannot have..we always want what we cannot have right? I mean look at me I am the epiteth of that...lol

The truth is that I went out dancing just to get out of the house and loose some pounds...and forget about YOU. Although now after having my fourth wiskey...and feeling the same than before, obviously this is not the real stuff...thanks god is five bucks per drink...I have lost ten pounds....but I got to dance with one of the sexiest men ever!!! He made my day...you smell wonderful he said...I didnt even know his name..but KEEP IT ON GIRL..losing weight...growing my hair....is working wonders on attracting the males of the species...amazing how visual men are...within 20 minutes i was asking myself .....who was I missing and what is his name? Hmmmm...bring it on..hottie.

 I guess I could put the excuse that is all the males of the world that keep dissapointing me, but truth is my fault for putting my heart out there. I am still a chick looking for a gooood eggg, since I dont think S.L. will ever crack it...get it? BUT unfortunately every time that I crack a new egg...turns out a freaking disaster. Too much yolk, not enough...no yolk...lmao. 

Not to say that lately I have discovered in my self an unsatiable appetite for man that are bald...bald is the new sexy...if you dont believe me...look everywhere..more and more men are doing it. S.L. Dont forget about US...tell you the truth men out there...if this is your situation...call that girl...if not tell her the truth...I know what you are saying...some woman do the same thing and that you like to eat the cake and have it too...is that how it goes? Are we all adults...tell someone that you love that you love them...and if you dont love them please tell them...too...this goes for both sexes....so they dont have their life on hold for you....Missing you is turture when you are a true romantic...Sorry Michigan....i gave you stitches..maybe who knows....I might ...change my mind...again...I am a woman  and we are known to do that....but I am sure that you soon...if not today like most men out there..will be having candlelight dinner with a cheerleader with dark ream glasses.

P.S.: For all my male bold man followers....you guys keep it sexy...here is a lonely chick in Tampa, Florida...a sexy red head. chickie...loookinggg for a goood eggg saying keep it cool boys! Love and Light. Mystique James.

BYE, BYE, BYE

BYE, BYE, BYE

This is for my girlies and sisters that lost somebody. Mariah Carey you always know what to say. Creation shows me what to do the music tells me what to feel and I see my present myself standing in front of my past present judging standing in front of each other like a mirror saying goodbye. "Goodbye" says my present self, "break the mirror make a blank slate! Move on!" 

My past self turns around and looks sad...maybe that was my ego leaving. I can see she tries to turn back like a hurt child trying to get a hold of my heart again, pouting, and it works I feel sorry for herself and for him, again...No way...not again....my ego does not feel bad not for me. "I found someone new. With this someone I dont have to walk on eggshells all the time and he is honored to spend time with me and I with him."

 I am tired of looking through a dirty windown and keep myself in check when I let HIM  set the pace? Just because I was not thinking straight...or maybe thinking in him I am a giver after all, but just like Ellie Goulding say...love me like you do....what were you waiting for? Say goodnight....and then I will know if this is right and this is real..who owns my heart now? The answer is me.

New beginnings are scary my faith is shaken I got keep my head held high. When you meet a new person that finally sees you for who you are..you finally feel like a human being again. Maybe it was not me.right? Dont they say that on break ups. "Baby is not you is me?"  Well this time I know it was not me, he avoid it me...ditch me...make me feel ashamed of being me...when all I did is to be there for him...you know the feeling and most importantly he made me feel worthless not like a lady...now I am drawing the FUcking line!!!! Am I MAD???? Hell Yeah! Hell to the Yes!!! O.K. Yes it was all my fault I allowed to happen...but dont you suppose to trust your couple that when they have your heart they will treat it right? Isnt that part of the TRUST?

No more come back baby please.... No more can we see each other this weekend again? Fuck NO, Now get in line!!!! It is time that you learn your place like you want me to learn mine right? Remember when you said that I needed to say what was that?...Submissive...helll NO! Stupid???? Pretend that I didnt see you text that 24 year old in Texas?.....Pretend that I knew you didnt live with a woman but with a buddy?...Pretend that you didnt move on...and were not exclusive...boy you must think that I AM A MORON!!! I pretended...pretended because I tried to give us a chance..because in all those nights we were together...I did feel your love...so bye, bye, I hope you reach a better place because I am moving on. The red dragon is coming back....I know now that you dont give a rat's butt, but I needed closure.

I wonder who will take your place it seems that you sir are irreplaceable NOTTTT!....there are plenty of guys turning their eyes on now...better men. I know that a lot of my most relationship experience buddies will say that you cannot find yourself on another person that you need to find yourself first is not about how other person makes you feel. I get that. I really do...but most people that say that have a couple am I right? Sorry if I sound sarcastic and upset...really I am not, but i am so tired of being single and hear the little comments and looks that I know better since I have a man. Pleasseeee! Let's dont forget once upon a time I was married for 19 years...that's right Mystique James...married...the horror. I just have a question....why are woman like cows....why God didnt make us unfeeling bitches...I prayed for that so many times...Well I am fighting back!!! 

LOVE CHICKIES GOODNIGHT FROM TAMPA, FLORIDA.

A girl in her dreams meet a guy
who makes her happy n fly high
as dream is over, he says good-bye
girl asked him why
“why can’t you be my
mine forever till I die”
guy answered and gave a reply
“I am just a dream so don’t cry
get back to reality and open ur eyes”

Read more: http://shayari4lovers.com/1193/khwab-shayari-dreams/#ixzz3oPTAKgKA

OLD BAR STOOLS AND DIAMOND RINGS

Today driving finally in my Kia Forte towards home, a beautiful night out singing aloud in the car and then McGraw sang this song, damn country music and I started to think about him again. How he never will know that how much he meant to me or how I miss him...at this point I dont care if I make a fool of myself in front of all my followers....700 and counting to this date. Thanks guys for following my ramblings! Love stinks.

There was something about him that was different. One of my female friends said that is just lust and that the feeling will go with time. Yes we did have incredible chemistry steamy crazy, I know it was not lust at least not for me.....of course it seems my radar is broken...I did imagine a life with him...that never happens to me. I liked the way he looked super sexy on his bike and always arrived in time, prepared, clean, shaved and his blue eyes just stared at me and then I will complete forget what happened for the last two or three hours when we were together, what a great feeling! Distance made it impossible, but somehow I always felt there was something unspoken, something hidden....and every time I asked I pushed him further away...and made me seemed needy..when i am not.

When we slept he will hold me in his arms all night even though I know his arm will hurt like the dickens and sometimes I will catch him looking up me, for a second...and he smile and we didnt have to talk  to communicate. I couldnt figure it out what was wrong....bad communication sucks...people have deceived me so much that is hard for him and for me to trust anyone and how can you move on and have a healthy relationship if there is no trust. All I know that I fought but sometimes you have to move on before you go crazy and start becoming a person that you are not just to make someone happy.

Lying in bed next to him and zatar his beautiful anatolian dog ;for a minute or two I could imagine us having more....he even smiled when the dog...approached me...but his words turned prophetic...all of the sudden I remember something he told me on our first meeting....if someone does not love you, he or she will not make time for you...I just never though S.L. that this will be you doing that to me. My female friends possibly think that I am pathetic and beyond help and counseling. I guess I should be embarrassed, but I am an open book so if you want to read here it is: I miss him like crazy...and I am mad...mad to the world...mad with him for being so hard headed...mad to me for going needy...mad for not knowing what to say, when to say it..and how to appropiately say it.

So anyways S.L. this one below is for you. I just really think that if you and I were a country song, we will have sound more like Faith Hill and Tim McGraw "I need you" but I guess I was not the queen but the fool. Yes, self pity is not attractive, but you know what that is all I have right now so I think I will keep it for a little while more....every day I will get up, go to work...change a life or two...kiss my kids goodnight..and then  when it is time to lie down...I will do it alone...right now I dont feel like kissing someone else....why to pretend....and hurt someone like you hurt me? Good Night Baby. Good night Zatar. Sweet Dreams. I will be listening to Nelly singing OVER AND OVER AGAIN....Is all in my head, It hurts so bad...I think about it over and over again...I cannot take it and I cannot shake it....(Nelly and Tim McGraw).

TIM MCGRAW

Diamond rings and old barstools

One's for queens and one's for fools

One's the future and one's the past

One's forever and one won't last

It ain't like midnight and cigarette smoke

It ain't like watered down whiskey and coke

I guess some things just don't mix like you hoped

Like me and you

And diamond rings and old barstools

The wrongs and rights, the highs and lows

The "I love you's," the "I told you so's"

Past few miles to wherever's home

Another morning waking up alone

THE TATTOO ARTIST

THE TATTOO ARTIST

I have often wondered not why people get inked but why do they choose the images that will forever be sticked onto their skin. In the background, I hear my daughter Ellie sing accompanied to her guitar about " Love is skin thin," and I know. I know what the singer meant. Being tattooed is not about self destruction or body art, but much about the emotional component behind the tattoo chosen. It is all about hurt and showing your battle scars. The pain behind the niddle possibly a painful and consistent reminder of what not to do the next time you fall in love.

The Huffington Post called it "Social Branding." I guess it all depends on perspective and judgement. When we see an attractive young girl with a tatoo near her rear everyone has an opinion. "She must be easy," "That's a tramp stamp if I ever saw one" and other epiteths similar to those, BUT everyone has a story and I bet if she could talk instead of being judged she would too had an opinion about US.

In my mind, as we go through life; we are all marked; we just dont show it much to the exterior; we conform to these social rules,:the so called social contract. The contract is not for everyone, trying to conform to these rules creates discomfort for the creative type of people.

For some of us, invisible scars that will never go away are branded and need no ink. The few, sometimes the proud, lately the many as we returned from the battlefields. These scars are not inked but permanently instilled in our conscience sometimes an every day battle. Conflict is not our friend, and turmoil and guilt only make it worse. You know of to whom I speak, those of you like myself that hide this illness like Harry Potter hid with his invisibility cloak. Normal or considered normal people dont understand: They ask questions such as what is that? Why do you choose to be unhappy? Or gusty suggestions like "MOVE ON" Why exactly you dissapeared? When and how we cannot make plans? and lastly "I thought you were strong."

Everyone that has ever had a tattoo has definetly a story behind it. Most of the stories I found seemed to be of love found and love loss. Men are the scariest of all. One of my exes had a skeleton the soul reeper tatoo on his sleeve. I asked him why and he said: I got this after she left because I wanted to die. Men love deeply once they find a partner, but somehow women we tend to think that we actually have the reign over heartache, WE DONT. However, as a single chick..well I guess not so single anymore Hopefuly for the long run, both of us with our scars inked deeply in our hearts, my dates as a single chick turned more into relationship couseling sessions than first date acquaintances.

These first dates, these men that tried so desperately to move on and out of their past life and relationships into courting me and that during dinner, snack or ice cream and in less than five minutes later they tried to make you think that they are really into you and want a long term relationship or dating you, but that for the last forty-five minutes previously were talking about their ex as a scar that still has not healed. "I swear I cannot get rid of her," "Well, yes it has only been two months that we separated""No, I will never will get back to her after what she did," but you see in their eyes they would if she called. 

The truth is as I found myself in the same familiar situation seven years ago so here is what Mystique thinks : "Your ex will not care, yes they did that to you, No they will not call back they are already Fucking someone new, No they are not better than you, possibly worse, and Yes they dont care about you or what you going through and No I am not the only one that understands, there is many of us, but each one of us suffers differently. Fireworks, children screaming, arguments, confrontation and conflict situations with coworkers, making long term plans, or simply trying to get close to people seemed to threw us of balance and create anxiety and panic....in the best of times we run and at the worse of times we confront and fight back.

As I sat in the Army's private hospital room before group therapy looking at the window seating in that chair for three months day after day, one can do a lot of thinking. No cell phones, no email, no mail, no phone calls from the supposed loves one and no distractions. Playing basketball and spend time with the other soldiers was my refuge to what he did to me. My nurse, ironically a male, was super protective of me. Sgt. How about if we go downstairs today? No thanks. No thanks became a mantra to the one I would have used : "GET THE FUCK OUT NOW"  "I HATE MEN AND I HATE YOU" The one I really wanted to use, but couldnt expressed it right. I was mad at the world, mad with humanity, mad about being mad. When my fiancee Jimmy used to call on the phone and I will just succumb to rage and tears Nurse D. will come and help me by saying : Who the fuck is this turd? And that made my day. Yes he was  turd, a big turd.

After a few years it seems to get better for some of us, but life not going our way it only takes a split second and a bad week to waste seven years of effort to keep the cool checked. Johny Depp said, " My body is my journal and my tattoos are my story." Tattoos can visually reveal more about you or distract people from getting to know the real you. Some people do hide behind their tattoos. Research on tattoos reveals a couple of interesting things. For example, did you know that adults with tatttoos have been shown to be more sexually active than those without and that they also engage in higher riks behaviors? Now add that to a hidden disability.


Imagine if you wanted to have all your memories of your heart erased would you? To keep away pain who wouldnt? I have always thought that without pain and suffering there is no spiritual growth, but maybe that just comes from my European ancestry; a traditional culture of the dark, sinister, the tango, and the dramatic. Lately, I feel I am but an observant, a tattoo artist, strolling at midnight. Nature seems to calm me down, I go to work and every time I observe I am outside the frame looking at them how they move...movement is different..at work cyclical my input does not really matter; just matters for my son's future to put food in the table for the next month. My daughter now is my only hope the one that keeps me going she is my inspiration and I hope she never gets to see the dark side of the Moon.

The one I care about now, he makes me wait; he is in the other site where I was seven years ago, sadly where I find myself lately since I have been pinning for him. Facebook quote: If you feel alone in a relationship is because you are alone. While I am observing time for him to make up his mind about us, about life..about time..itself..about his scar..mines are hidden and not healed yet, ..but here I am being supportive...and I dont mind I know what it takes...I am just afraid...for me...will I have what it takes?

LOVE IS THE GREATER EQUALIZER. 

This will take time I tell myself, I know it will but isnt he worth it? Sadly, no one knows the end of the story ONLY that I want to continute fighting with him against this monster that has taken part of his soul; All I know is that his tatoo, the one that covers his chest, a heart erased, is already making his imprint on me and without him I cannot breathe.