REMEMBER WHEN....?

My friend Encarna one of the sweetest and most loyal people I have ever known in my life, told me years ago something that always comes to mind in certain circumstances, she said that people are worse than animals and that they forget magically everything that you have done for them, but animals always offered their love unconditionally.

Now when she said that to me about seven years ago while both of our husbands were stationed in Aviano Air Force Base it didnt occur to me to ask her why she would say that. Sometimes we talk about the sin but not who the sinner is my grandmother Carmen will say. Today that thought came to mind when two of my dearest friends back home were caught making fun of the way my life is here in the USA. 

So my answer is this: Remember when all the kids in the neighboorhood were bullying you because you were different and I was right there defending you and getting into fights for you? More than once I went home with a black eye because of you. Remember when you were doing cocaine, and extasy and you couldnt get off it..and I went and put you under the cold shower and made you puke before you OD? I was there. Remember when you lost your child and I tried to come to Spain to give you money and get a lawyer so we could help you find him? I was there. Remember when you came to Florida to visit and even though I was broke I offered you my best bedroom, rent you a car for you and your friend and feed you, clothed you and drive you around so you could have fun and learned the American Culture?? I was there.

Remember when you got married to an immigrant from an eastern country and everyone did not approve and said things that were mean, misleading and cruel about you and her and I defended you and supported you with your decision? I was there. Remember when mom and dad were always fighting over stupid shit and I changed your diapers, cleaned you, fed you and sing to you by rocking your crib every night...well this you might not remember, but I was there.

When you needed someone to teach you to ride a bike or you scraped your knee and mom was so depressed she couldnt get off the bed and dad was having the time of his life living his life, I was there. When you decided to escape school and go play I was there to pick you up and put you back to school so you wouldnt get in trouble..I was there.

Remember when dad gave you this big job and was not given that chance because I was a girl and you ended up working for one of the most successful companies in the world? I was not there...I was bartending so we could eat...I was selling shoes and clothes to pay for my books so I could go to school...I was already a grownup once you were born. Remember when we moved to a new apartment and you were too little to help carrying furniture out of the truck..I was eleven...I was little too...but I was there for you.

Remember when you were heartbroken and were getting everyone's help financially and given chances like going to barber school or cooking school. I was not there, I was in the USA...heartbroken and broke donating blood and homeless and when you called me and you said: I need you....I went and help you out with words and with financial help.

So I asked both of you....last week why were not for me when I have always been for you. Love you guys. Mystique James.

15 MILES IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

15 MILES IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

A life of a person is composed of moments and memories and I wonder if when I am not longer here some stranger will read my blog 50 years from now and find it amusing, silly, or completely stupid. When I started this blog about a year and a half ago my main aim was to inspire women everywhere to vent about their relationships, their stupid boyfriends that had either broken their hearts or simply were pieces of shit like mine was.

But now I see that my awful writing is more of a journal, kind of a survival experience and that this is hell much cheaper than psychotherapy. Every other week, I tell myself I WILL NOT succumb any more to this pointless dating strangers...learning their habits and tells...yes each one of them have one or more than one as I guess I have mine, but every week or every other week I talk with these strangers.

Sometimes a few line of texting..nothing much...it gets nowhere...as I am becoming much better on my screening and elimination process. I mean...dont have a job...? dont have a car?? what you dont have a license?...DUI? Felony? automatic NO..NOS. BUT then  you also meet and talk with people on the phone that are nice...decent guys out there...but when you meet them...well lets say that EPIC failure. In the last three weeks I have had five or six dates...only repeated with one guy which seems might have some future..but now all of them I compared to him. I even stopped dating for a couple weeks as it seemed unfair to me to have dates with people that I could never find anything good as I was still in love with him. How odd!

And then, I remember the things he said like: I am just coming over because you live fifteen miles the right way...how lucky for me to live fifteen miles the right way. I wonder if he knew how much it meant to me the last time I saw him.. He said I looked great, that I was gorgeous...and beautiful...never to be seen again. I dont try to contact him anymore since I have to learn to live without him.

The life of a single mother is odd, isnt it? I mean once you stop worrying and looking all of the sudden men start appearing and coming out of the woodwork...is crazy...and then you dont feel like being loving...why should you try again? My friend Matt told me today that sometimes you dont feel the butterflies right away...I was talking about someone I been dating for the last two weeks.

How is possible? With S.L.there were there the first twenty minutes and I am not talking about passion or lust...I am talking about chemistry; a twin feeling of sympathy...the ability to feel comfortable with each other right away.

Have you guys fell in love without the butterflies? Do relationships like that have any future? I am starting to think that I might not be able to love anyone except my children. I guess my next post, I promised will not be so dark..but it is late and no one reads this anymore. I am in my apartment alone tonight my date will not be joining me tonight, but I think we do like each other enough to miss eatch other. He is 6'3, red hair, awesome physique, a gentleman, and when he mentioned if he should bring one of his bikes to pick me up...I thought not...better the track as bikes...remind me of S.L. There are two types of men in this world and you ladies are the ones that bring one or the other out. 

I had an awful date this past Friday...it lasted 35 minutes...we met in Clearwater in Bahama Breeze and I have been talking to him for 3 weeks...nice guy...but when I met him and after giving him a hug ...I told him: I am so sorry..never done this before...but I need to go...he was like...wahttt??? You need to go now?...Me: Yeap...and then I RUN...I RUN like Julia Roberts in the run away bride. I RUN as fast as my 3 inch heel black velvet boots will carry me...it was so beautiful....outside next to the beach...the atmosphere...the couples...I looked at the stars and I wish I would have my telescope with me...I closed my eyes...letting the breeze moved my sundress......I dont want to settle...I cannot do guys with low IQ..I am sorry...I cannot do rainmen...I cannot do close talkers...I cannot do....wife cheaters....BDSM weirdos...I cannot do...control freaks....and I can not do men that tell me that the only reason to see me..is because I am 15 miles in the right direction.

HUH...15 MILES THE RIGHT WAY I got into my silver KIA FORTE and drove like the wind....away from there....was I inheriting the same traits than my counterpart S.L? Is this what he felt that day he dissapeared when he was with me....I felt guilt....I felt stupid....He said I couldnt understand what I was feeling...on my way home I got to be honest I cried...I needed to let it go...I needed to let go of all the few, very few memories of him and learn to love someone else.

I called my new beau...Hi, is me. Him: What are you doing? You dont sound good. I thought he sounded worried for me only two dates and he cares but once again his background he was an EMT and firefighter...a healer like me..Me: I am fine...I am home....I went on a date..like I told  you..but it was horrible...I felt terrible...I run...but I couldnt stand it...it was like making my body doing something it didnt want to do. Him: How about a rescue date...He came.for me..it was a rescue mission...15 MILES in the right direction......it will continue.

JET PUFFED

JET-PUFFED

So here I am inside my new apartment which is still bare since I have not been able to get all my stuff out of storage yet. Go through the closet, damn, I was doing so well! Lost another five pounds. When I was younger and going through a crisis I would always loose weight but now...the other way around gained some weight and now I am looking at the marshmallow jet puffed white clouds and some mustard pretzels. No damn it stay away!

I am without my kids tonight and just got home after a grueling day at the office, love the job, but long hours today trying to make my sales quota for the month. My boss is the best, but I do miss teaching and working at the hospital..helping people directly.

Christmas is around the corner and everyone seems to have it all together, their husbands putting up the Christmas lights. At work we have this big Christmas party.

Free food, free drinks,..beautiful music...beautiful night all around our company will be throwing us a Christmas ball and I have decided to go...even if it is by myself. I could have a date for the party, but I wanted to take someone meaningful with me..so yeah long ranger yours truly. I wonder if I will be able to afford a tree and Christmas this year after the Thanksgiving expenditures and my son's Eriks' bday. Life in the USA is getting expensive.

I was doing fine until today, until I was driving back home, Adele's song, "Hello" was playing on 93.3 FM and I told myself not to be consciously hearing as I heard that song like a million times this week before work, during work on the speakers, and after work while driving home in my Kia Forte which by the way seems to be falling into pieces.

Again thinking of S.L. What a strange hold he has over me. He is gone for good now, and I have been going on other dates for the last month..some good...some not so good...but none with a real connection until last weekend. I think I told myself so much I was in love with him...funny he got scared when I said that...I just blurted out...tell you the truth back then..I didnt really meant it...but then...after a few weeks...I did..but I couldnt say it...how strange love is...all these rules and regulations about how to love and talk...etiquette which makes no sense...at least not to me. People never said what they mean..they are so afraid of everything...

Am I in love? Not sure, but sure feels like it. I went on a date a couple of weeks ago with someone I thought was different, stable, wanted the same things I wanted seemed to like me. I really felt that this new stranger will be the new man in my life calling chemistry? He was a proper gentleman all the way throughout the date and asked me to see me again. I got excited to the possibility that I found someone that not only will compliment my life, but someone better than S.L. for me.

Then he canceled...well he didnt show not a text or a phonecall. Lame. Unexpected. You bet I was furious. I called a male friend of mine in Orlando and he said, "that is not cool." The bad thing was not that he didnt show although that made me feel like shit, excuse my french..the worse thing was I think I was finally over thinking about S.L. and I..but no..is there no one for me out there. Following my mother's advice I closed my profile in all the dating websites and now all of the sudden men are asking me out more often and more in number...but now..I am not interested. If I answer to one look what happens.

But chickies, is not use i see a motorcycle passing by...and I think of him again...especially on the weekends when I am by myself and trying to escape loneliness I go to Largo or St Pete beaches to just do something..enjoy nature and the sun and keep my feet and soul grounded from going a bit crazy. I see a motorcycle and then I cannot focus anymore...I think where he is..who he is with...what lucky or crazy bitch is with him now riding on his bike or maybe in his bed and I well I miss him.

Not sure if I cry for me or for him..Linda says that sometimes we get used to the pain and that is better than nothing..but I dont want to feel pain...the only time I forget is when I am at work or with my kids...but see I am a thinker...logical and this him and I did not make sense. I sure I dont sobbed or say...Why me...and all that bull...but more than one time I will wake up with tears in my eyes or while driving to work...listening to country...i changed around all the stations..even writing this blog....I think of him again. Sometimes is a tear sometimes I have to stop to drink a glass of merlot.

There is nothing like sitting on one of those beach restaurants looking at the sea with a beautiful breeze and sunshine while you close your eyes and drink an aged Merlot. Then everything is better or at least great for a few minutes. I feel like I am a widow, like I lost someone when it shouldnt had happened, and it happened anyways and I didnt have much choice in the matter. I try to replay the different things and scenarios...our encounters...things I texted...things I said or possibly left unsaid the last time he came to see me a month ago..maybe more and I know in my heart is not my fault..shouldnt blame myself...but I do wonder how could I have changed to be able to keep him close.

Maybe it is because I write this blog...even though I dont say who he is. Am I obsessed with him? Dear readers and followers...I dont think so..just hurting..., but I do care for him although it seems he has moved on for good..he has chosen not to remind friends...another hurt.

Things are coming together little by little. I am starting my online business again. My blog is finally paying off and my children seemed happy. I am just looking for a good egg...My friend in Orlando his name is Kyle..talks to me about dating there. He says, :guys want sex...and of course they go for the physical appearance first. I get it. I dont consider myself a model..but not orca fat either. Ironically..men tend to pick size 10 to 12s.

 I really dont think that is the problem..but you know guys do want someone that is fit...is beyond me how they expect someone that is on their 40s (late forties) to have a size 0..after 3 kids...look perfect but dont wear make up...have stable jobs, a degree, a BMW...and be a personal trainer...oh wait also high sex drive....and make sure you do what I want you to do and think what I want you to think...but then they also want someone caring, honest, loyal and be able to take care of their four kids.

Wow..no realistic expectations at all. I do look physical appearance, but most of the times (there is always the crazies)..you can really see beauty on a person's soul and spirit and feel that connection. Have we become so picky that we cannot establish that connection unless these strangers we date have fulfill some stupid requirement's list? I guess so.

All I know is that I am not giving up on finding the right one...even if I have to kiss a few frogs..I meant if I give up...I am not giving up on finding the right one...I am giving up on believing that there is such a thing as the one...right?

Well my search continues..thanks for sharing is 3:00 am EST and tomorrow I work. Love and Light. Mystique James.