JET PUFFED

JET-PUFFED

So here I am inside my new apartment which is still bare since I have not been able to get all my stuff out of storage yet. Go through the closet, damn, I was doing so well! Lost another five pounds. When I was younger and going through a crisis I would always loose weight but now...the other way around gained some weight and now I am looking at the marshmallow jet puffed white clouds and some mustard pretzels. No damn it stay away!

I am without my kids tonight and just got home after a grueling day at the office, love the job, but long hours today trying to make my sales quota for the month. My boss is the best, but I do miss teaching and working at the hospital..helping people directly.

Christmas is around the corner and everyone seems to have it all together, their husbands putting up the Christmas lights. At work we have this big Christmas party.

Free food, free drinks,..beautiful music...beautiful night all around our company will be throwing us a Christmas ball and I have decided to go...even if it is by myself. I could have a date for the party, but I wanted to take someone meaningful with me..so yeah long ranger yours truly. I wonder if I will be able to afford a tree and Christmas this year after the Thanksgiving expenditures and my son's Eriks' bday. Life in the USA is getting expensive.

I was doing fine until today, until I was driving back home, Adele's song, "Hello" was playing on 93.3 FM and I told myself not to be consciously hearing as I heard that song like a million times this week before work, during work on the speakers, and after work while driving home in my Kia Forte which by the way seems to be falling into pieces.

Again thinking of S.L. What a strange hold he has over me. He is gone for good now, and I have been going on other dates for the last month..some good...some not so good...but none with a real connection until last weekend. I think I told myself so much I was in love with him...funny he got scared when I said that...I just blurted out...tell you the truth back then..I didnt really meant it...but then...after a few weeks...I did..but I couldnt say it...how strange love is...all these rules and regulations about how to love and talk...etiquette which makes no sense...at least not to me. People never said what they mean..they are so afraid of everything...

Am I in love? Not sure, but sure feels like it. I went on a date a couple of weeks ago with someone I thought was different, stable, wanted the same things I wanted seemed to like me. I really felt that this new stranger will be the new man in my life calling chemistry? He was a proper gentleman all the way throughout the date and asked me to see me again. I got excited to the possibility that I found someone that not only will compliment my life, but someone better than S.L. for me.

Then he canceled...well he didnt show not a text or a phonecall. Lame. Unexpected. You bet I was furious. I called a male friend of mine in Orlando and he said, "that is not cool." The bad thing was not that he didnt show although that made me feel like shit, excuse my french..the worse thing was I think I was finally over thinking about S.L. and I..but no..is there no one for me out there. Following my mother's advice I closed my profile in all the dating websites and now all of the sudden men are asking me out more often and more in number...but now..I am not interested. If I answer to one look what happens.

But chickies, is not use i see a motorcycle passing by...and I think of him again...especially on the weekends when I am by myself and trying to escape loneliness I go to Largo or St Pete beaches to just do something..enjoy nature and the sun and keep my feet and soul grounded from going a bit crazy. I see a motorcycle and then I cannot focus anymore...I think where he is..who he is with...what lucky or crazy bitch is with him now riding on his bike or maybe in his bed and I well I miss him.

Not sure if I cry for me or for him..Linda says that sometimes we get used to the pain and that is better than nothing..but I dont want to feel pain...the only time I forget is when I am at work or with my kids...but see I am a thinker...logical and this him and I did not make sense. I sure I dont sobbed or say...Why me...and all that bull...but more than one time I will wake up with tears in my eyes or while driving to work...listening to country...i changed around all the stations..even writing this blog....I think of him again. Sometimes is a tear sometimes I have to stop to drink a glass of merlot.

There is nothing like sitting on one of those beach restaurants looking at the sea with a beautiful breeze and sunshine while you close your eyes and drink an aged Merlot. Then everything is better or at least great for a few minutes. I feel like I am a widow, like I lost someone when it shouldnt had happened, and it happened anyways and I didnt have much choice in the matter. I try to replay the different things and scenarios...our encounters...things I texted...things I said or possibly left unsaid the last time he came to see me a month ago..maybe more and I know in my heart is not my fault..shouldnt blame myself...but I do wonder how could I have changed to be able to keep him close.

Maybe it is because I write this blog...even though I dont say who he is. Am I obsessed with him? Dear readers and followers...I dont think so..just hurting..., but I do care for him although it seems he has moved on for good..he has chosen not to remind friends...another hurt.

Things are coming together little by little. I am starting my online business again. My blog is finally paying off and my children seemed happy. I am just looking for a good egg...My friend in Orlando his name is Kyle..talks to me about dating there. He says, :guys want sex...and of course they go for the physical appearance first. I get it. I dont consider myself a model..but not orca fat either. Ironically..men tend to pick size 10 to 12s.

 I really dont think that is the problem..but you know guys do want someone that is fit...is beyond me how they expect someone that is on their 40s (late forties) to have a size 0..after 3 kids...look perfect but dont wear make up...have stable jobs, a degree, a BMW...and be a personal trainer...oh wait also high sex drive....and make sure you do what I want you to do and think what I want you to think...but then they also want someone caring, honest, loyal and be able to take care of their four kids.

Wow..no realistic expectations at all. I do look physical appearance, but most of the times (there is always the crazies)..you can really see beauty on a person's soul and spirit and feel that connection. Have we become so picky that we cannot establish that connection unless these strangers we date have fulfill some stupid requirement's list? I guess so.

All I know is that I am not giving up on finding the right one...even if I have to kiss a few frogs..I meant if I give up...I am not giving up on finding the right one...I am giving up on believing that there is such a thing as the one...right?

Well my search continues..thanks for sharing is 3:00 am EST and tomorrow I work. Love and Light. Mystique James.