THE TATTOO ARTIST

THE TATTOO ARTIST

I have often wondered not why people get inked but why do they choose the images that will forever be sticked onto their skin. In the background, I hear my daughter Ellie sing accompanied to her guitar about " Love is skin thin," and I know. I know what the singer meant. Being tattooed is not about self destruction or body art, but much about the emotional component behind the tattoo chosen. It is all about hurt and showing your battle scars. The pain behind the niddle possibly a painful and consistent reminder of what not to do the next time you fall in love.

The Huffington Post called it "Social Branding." I guess it all depends on perspective and judgement. When we see an attractive young girl with a tatoo near her rear everyone has an opinion. "She must be easy," "That's a tramp stamp if I ever saw one" and other epiteths similar to those, BUT everyone has a story and I bet if she could talk instead of being judged she would too had an opinion about US.

In my mind, as we go through life; we are all marked; we just dont show it much to the exterior; we conform to these social rules,:the so called social contract. The contract is not for everyone, trying to conform to these rules creates discomfort for the creative type of people.

For some of us, invisible scars that will never go away are branded and need no ink. The few, sometimes the proud, lately the many as we returned from the battlefields. These scars are not inked but permanently instilled in our conscience sometimes an every day battle. Conflict is not our friend, and turmoil and guilt only make it worse. You know of to whom I speak, those of you like myself that hide this illness like Harry Potter hid with his invisibility cloak. Normal or considered normal people dont understand: They ask questions such as what is that? Why do you choose to be unhappy? Or gusty suggestions like "MOVE ON" Why exactly you dissapeared? When and how we cannot make plans? and lastly "I thought you were strong."

Everyone that has ever had a tattoo has definetly a story behind it. Most of the stories I found seemed to be of love found and love loss. Men are the scariest of all. One of my exes had a skeleton the soul reeper tatoo on his sleeve. I asked him why and he said: I got this after she left because I wanted to die. Men love deeply once they find a partner, but somehow women we tend to think that we actually have the reign over heartache, WE DONT. However, as a single chick..well I guess not so single anymore Hopefuly for the long run, both of us with our scars inked deeply in our hearts, my dates as a single chick turned more into relationship couseling sessions than first date acquaintances.

These first dates, these men that tried so desperately to move on and out of their past life and relationships into courting me and that during dinner, snack or ice cream and in less than five minutes later they tried to make you think that they are really into you and want a long term relationship or dating you, but that for the last forty-five minutes previously were talking about their ex as a scar that still has not healed. "I swear I cannot get rid of her," "Well, yes it has only been two months that we separated""No, I will never will get back to her after what she did," but you see in their eyes they would if she called. 

The truth is as I found myself in the same familiar situation seven years ago so here is what Mystique thinks : "Your ex will not care, yes they did that to you, No they will not call back they are already Fucking someone new, No they are not better than you, possibly worse, and Yes they dont care about you or what you going through and No I am not the only one that understands, there is many of us, but each one of us suffers differently. Fireworks, children screaming, arguments, confrontation and conflict situations with coworkers, making long term plans, or simply trying to get close to people seemed to threw us of balance and create anxiety and panic....in the best of times we run and at the worse of times we confront and fight back.

As I sat in the Army's private hospital room before group therapy looking at the window seating in that chair for three months day after day, one can do a lot of thinking. No cell phones, no email, no mail, no phone calls from the supposed loves one and no distractions. Playing basketball and spend time with the other soldiers was my refuge to what he did to me. My nurse, ironically a male, was super protective of me. Sgt. How about if we go downstairs today? No thanks. No thanks became a mantra to the one I would have used : "GET THE FUCK OUT NOW"  "I HATE MEN AND I HATE YOU" The one I really wanted to use, but couldnt expressed it right. I was mad at the world, mad with humanity, mad about being mad. When my fiancee Jimmy used to call on the phone and I will just succumb to rage and tears Nurse D. will come and help me by saying : Who the fuck is this turd? And that made my day. Yes he was  turd, a big turd.

After a few years it seems to get better for some of us, but life not going our way it only takes a split second and a bad week to waste seven years of effort to keep the cool checked. Johny Depp said, " My body is my journal and my tattoos are my story." Tattoos can visually reveal more about you or distract people from getting to know the real you. Some people do hide behind their tattoos. Research on tattoos reveals a couple of interesting things. For example, did you know that adults with tatttoos have been shown to be more sexually active than those without and that they also engage in higher riks behaviors? Now add that to a hidden disability.


Imagine if you wanted to have all your memories of your heart erased would you? To keep away pain who wouldnt? I have always thought that without pain and suffering there is no spiritual growth, but maybe that just comes from my European ancestry; a traditional culture of the dark, sinister, the tango, and the dramatic. Lately, I feel I am but an observant, a tattoo artist, strolling at midnight. Nature seems to calm me down, I go to work and every time I observe I am outside the frame looking at them how they move...movement is different..at work cyclical my input does not really matter; just matters for my son's future to put food in the table for the next month. My daughter now is my only hope the one that keeps me going she is my inspiration and I hope she never gets to see the dark side of the Moon.

The one I care about now, he makes me wait; he is in the other site where I was seven years ago, sadly where I find myself lately since I have been pinning for him. Facebook quote: If you feel alone in a relationship is because you are alone. While I am observing time for him to make up his mind about us, about life..about time..itself..about his scar..mines are hidden and not healed yet, ..but here I am being supportive...and I dont mind I know what it takes...I am just afraid...for me...will I have what it takes?

LOVE IS THE GREATER EQUALIZER. 

This will take time I tell myself, I know it will but isnt he worth it? Sadly, no one knows the end of the story ONLY that I want to continute fighting with him against this monster that has taken part of his soul; All I know is that his tatoo, the one that covers his chest, a heart erased, is already making his imprint on me and without him I cannot breathe.