Today driving finally in my Kia Forte towards home, a beautiful night out singing aloud in the car and then McGraw sang this song, damn country music and I started to think about him again. How he never will know that how much he meant to me or how I miss him...at this point I dont care if I make a fool of myself in front of all my followers....700 and counting to this date. Thanks guys for following my ramblings! Love stinks.
There was something about him that was different. One of my female friends said that is just lust and that the feeling will go with time. Yes we did have incredible chemistry steamy crazy, I know it was not lust at least not for me.....of course it seems my radar is broken...I did imagine a life with him...that never happens to me. I liked the way he looked super sexy on his bike and always arrived in time, prepared, clean, shaved and his blue eyes just stared at me and then I will complete forget what happened for the last two or three hours when we were together, what a great feeling! Distance made it impossible, but somehow I always felt there was something unspoken, something hidden....and every time I asked I pushed him further away...and made me seemed needy..when i am not.
When we slept he will hold me in his arms all night even though I know his arm will hurt like the dickens and sometimes I will catch him looking up me, for a second...and he smile and we didnt have to talk to communicate. I couldnt figure it out what was wrong....bad communication sucks...people have deceived me so much that is hard for him and for me to trust anyone and how can you move on and have a healthy relationship if there is no trust. All I know that I fought but sometimes you have to move on before you go crazy and start becoming a person that you are not just to make someone happy.
Lying in bed next to him and zatar his beautiful anatolian dog ;for a minute or two I could imagine us having more....he even smiled when the dog...approached me...but his words turned prophetic...all of the sudden I remember something he told me on our first meeting....if someone does not love you, he or she will not make time for you...I just never though S.L. that this will be you doing that to me. My female friends possibly think that I am pathetic and beyond help and counseling. I guess I should be embarrassed, but I am an open book so if you want to read here it is: I miss him like crazy...and I am mad...mad to the world...mad with him for being so hard headed...mad to me for going needy...mad for not knowing what to say, when to say it..and how to appropiately say it.
So anyways S.L. this one below is for you. I just really think that if you and I were a country song, we will have sound more like Faith Hill and Tim McGraw "I need you" but I guess I was not the queen but the fool. Yes, self pity is not attractive, but you know what that is all I have right now so I think I will keep it for a little while more....every day I will get up, go to work...change a life or two...kiss my kids goodnight..and then when it is time to lie down...I will do it alone...right now I dont feel like kissing someone else....why to pretend....and hurt someone like you hurt me? Good Night Baby. Good night Zatar. Sweet Dreams. I will be listening to Nelly singing OVER AND OVER AGAIN....Is all in my head, It hurts so bad...I think about it over and over again...I cannot take it and I cannot shake it....(Nelly and Tim McGraw).
TIM MCGRAW
Diamond rings and old barstools
One's for queens and one's for fools
One's the future and one's the past
One's forever and one won't last
It ain't like midnight and cigarette smoke
It ain't like watered down whiskey and coke
I guess some things just don't mix like you hoped
Like me and you
And diamond rings and old barstools
The wrongs and rights, the highs and lows
The "I love you's," the "I told you so's"
Past few miles to wherever's home
Another morning waking up alone
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