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SABER SIMULATOR UPDATE VALENTINES DAY

SABER SIMULATOR UPDATE VALENTINES DAY

Welcome and Intro with Brinkley Warren

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SINGLE CHICK COLLECTION 

BOOK 1: 10 TIPS TO QUIT DATING ASSHOLES
BOOK 2: 9 SECRETS THAT HE TELLS HIS DOG THAT YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE? THIS...RIGHT NOW ...RIGHT HERE MOMMY

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE? THIS...RIGHT NOW ...RIGHT HERE, MOMMY!

Sipping her Nescafe Classico Dark Roasted, Susie, started to think about her "Yaya" Carmen and how her ex and her used to laught at her grandmother's choice of coffee when they were living in Spain and she was still barely eighteen years old. How odd! Now, there she was at forty-six, alone in her kitchen heating up a cup of two percent milk and trying to save time and coffee drinking instant coffee just like her granny.

She had just moved again for the fourth or fifth time in a two year period. This time into a two bedroom apartment next to the Westwood Mall, finally in a decent spot in Riverview city. Lately, there had been an internal awakening about her role in this world and how long she had. She felt slipping away from civilization more and more and wondering how it would be not having to pay for a house, a car, and everything that came with living under the system. Buddha had warned about possesions and how everything that was not needed including expectations would bring suffering.

She had tried to express this fleeting thought of eternity with the man that shared her life, telling him how alone she felt...how out of touch with the rest of people...but sadly, his world only revolved around his needs which lately were career oriented.

-You? He had said...you are a breeder...not an outer box personality...you work for a corporate firm..you are a sheep....and he had smirked and smiled almost laughting at her life and choices. She told him, " I would recommend that you never become a guidance counselor." As always he had to win every argument, so he challenged her you know...to win...pushing...kicking her down..in a metaphorical way... instead of sympathizing...understanding...humanizing...Nope, no empathy...he considered that a weakness. How different we were!

Did he not understand that she was just feeling alone?...she saw...in his eyes...triumph. He had to win..over her misery.
She felt broken, but relieved to finally see the truth he had been hiding or the truth that she had been hiding from herself.

I wish she could have expressed how lonely and misunderstood she had felt. A breeder? Was not that a bad word...denotating some reckneck with 8 kids living on a trailer...and getting foodstamps? She was deeply offended and hurt...but more and more she could see how the man in her life did not understood her at all.

Susie said: Sometimes is better to be happy than right...as he always he wanted to get the last word in.
He cared for her in his own way...he had said love, but she was not sure that he knew what love was not in the equation, at least not what she understood as love.

For almost two years she had tried in vain to climb the wall separated them and that he had put up, and once in a while she had enjoyed time on the other side of the wall, but that was all just an illusion. Isnt that what she was studying that everything was delusions that kept us from understanding the truth...the now?

She understood that this lack came from him and not from her, but not being love in the appropiate way that she needed...it hurt...her skin and heart did not feel it at all. Once again, she had followed a path that might take her nowhere and she knew this, she could feel the truth sinking in more and more as the months progressed.

There was an aching inside her bones for the last days that would not go away. Possibly arthritis or a combination of sadness and lack of achievement. Her neck, shoulders and back were on fire 24/7. What did her friend Dr. David from work had said? That he had seen in his patients how lack of achievement hurts your neck and back? The truth is that she was tired of being something for someone else...and no one...wanted to give her their energy. She gave sympathy and a listening ear to everyone that needed it, but she had no one to turn.

The kids take, of course, they are kids, the ex-husband the young one A-hole...took and took...maybe it was his lack of caring for her and her child...the darkness asking her for money to babysit her own son knowing that she would have to go donate blood twice a week to give him money.


The boyfriend...fighting to win on every decision that she did as a mother even though he would not commit emotionally fully to his son or her. She was tired...of the takers. Then at work...a bunch of vampires....taken my time...my time with my son...training people... volunteering pouring my own energy...and then ...all that for nothing...to give it to someone that had given nothing. She did not understood society anymore. Frankly, she did not want to play.

There were days that she felt invincible and felt capable of scalating Mount Everest and others were she felt like an eighty year old crone that just wanted to be left alone. Maybe it had to do with work. At the office and for the last week she had felt her job getting nowhere. Again they had promoted another thirty-something corporate chick that she had trained over her just because she fit their expectations...of someone that would not challenge them in any way.

She was not sour about the decision, not really, but she was upset that the lack of respect and trust that she expected from her company was not there. She was demotivated in general. Basically she was in need of love and she was not getting that from anyone except her five year old. Alois, always said: Do you know what I like? No, Alois, what do you like? And he will say more sure than any man she had dated....This, my momma, your love...right here!

The truth is that lately, she was just sad, and the sadness was creeping into her eyes. Everything seemed to take too much effort and if it was not for his five year old Alois, she might just lie down all weekend or dissapeared to the farthest corner of the world.

Her father had suffered a heart attach at 34 years of age and her grandfather died in his early sixties. although she had not confessed that to anyone she started to worry about her child being with her alone at night and had trained the little boy on how to call 911 or one of her exes in case she will not wake up. Stranger things had happened. Dead did not scare her and that she thought was probably the tragedy of it all.

At last she had finished writing her silly book about her blog, but now it seemed it might be a bad idea to try to publish something so far fetch and silly and that might even cost her job as people tend to observe with limited perception and make up absurb assumptions about who she is.
The older she is gotten the more she missed her country and she started to recall the good times and the bad times she had lived and experienced since her arrival in the United States in 1994.

She wrote a weekly blog called, "Why You Suck," that had been stopped a year ago as things that are written out of feeling and emotion are extremely personal and private and most people dont like their business all over the internet. The blog was therapeutic for her as she really did not have someone to call a friend in which to confide. Everyone was a judge, it seems.

Her mother, Pili, the closer to her always try to make men look like ogres and for some reason everything had to be dramatic and relationship ending. After talking with her she felt drained, more miserable and upset with herself. She wished she could have a good impartial friend that will not judge her or mistreat her.

Her man, Figjam, was a man that did not know the heart of a woman and how it worked. He was a good man and treated her well, but she started to think that she might better alone and he was strange with close affection, reserved and aloof at best most of the time and she suffered dearly for it as she was the complete opposite. Bonding, Passion, Yearning, Vulnerability were not really there.

The only thing that keep her going these days was a new idea for April: a trip. The trip of a lifetime it seems she needed some spiritual guidance. Looking for yoga retreats she had found a beautiful place, Ubud. In Ubud she thought, I might find what I need: Myself.

A THOUSAND WAYS TO LOVE....

It was November and after dating Michigan for less than four dates....I was pretty much done..I went to POF to delete my profile and sign out.completely..look up S.L. profile again which now obviously I couldnt see, pretty sure at that point he was dating someone else and hiding the fact that he was not long ago in a relationship with me. It occurred to me that I hated Facebook and him...men like him. He would say things like: "Baby you are my person," "Baby we are going to get over this together," "Baby, I miss you" Blah, Blah, Blah. Facebook now had given him another excuse to ditch me and for me another reason to feel depressed. FUCK YOU FACEBOOK!!

Ladies, in my opinion and I guess I dont have much of an experience about this kind of messes but if the men that you date talk like that are probably full of bullshit and more importantly they are probably saying that to someone else. If your boyfriend is a mechanic...and your car is falling to pieces...he does not care a bit about  you! Trust me I know that for a fact sadly. And by the way DONT BUY KIAS FORTE ...more of that in another post!

I should have listened to my mother when she said that actions speak louder than words. Even my alma mater, Fayeteville State University," has that slogan or motto like that for gods sakes, but me...I kept on dreaming...what we been taught....as little girls...the whole prince thing...the romantic thing...all a myth and now yes I have to confess as a wiccan I wish i didnot have to follow the Rede of non harm. I wanted at that point to humilliate him like he did when he let me in that hotel by myself with a huge bill a so called weekend vacation for both of us..I wanted to punch him.....in the nose, in the throat, and in the ...you know where cucumbers dont see the sunlight!

Michigan and I had a great personal connection but sadly I was not attracted to him in any other way. I think him getting out of my bathroom using soap everywhere in his body...butt naked and not in the shower trying to shower himself with an inch of water...was a horrendous sight. LOL....I am pretty sure that being in love still with S.L. make matters worse. For a couple of weeks I did my routine...finally forgetting about S.L and feeling happy in the last two months. Working at a corporate job selling dreams to undergraduates...for me a way to make a paycheck at this point, but it seemed I was getting better at it. One of my bosses, Julia helped me get on a better team..she knew I  was bored. She knew I needed someone and something bigger than myself spiritually. I needed a partner.

You have to understand when you are or have medical background and work in high stressful situations..routine everyday tasks are insufficient for your abilities and sooner or later you feel unfullfilled and empty with no purpose...and without love...yes I like to use that word a lot...whats the point...on pretending on an existence...that is not even surviving.....I wanted to be real...I wanted it to be happy and thrive...however, being a single mother you have to hold in there. The needing of a partner for some of us is not out of desperation or neediness, is because we need someone to share a dream, a talk, a drink,,,a meal. My dream was to restart my business again..but I needed someone in my life, a partner to share the goals,dreams, and aspirations. Trying to do something new I went to a singles meet through Match.Com.

To my surprise, I had a blast! Mostly it was women of my age or older, and three dudes. Sorry Jason, I know you hate that word!!!!All nice people, but only one guy that seemed datable. It was almost December, and after drinking a few wines...in aspirations winery in Clearwater, Florida...my favorite turned out to be blueberry wine, I decided to schedule events every week so I could meet more people and stop thinking about the Mother$$$$@@@@fu#$er that had let me hanging once again. Maybe I was expecting too much of a relationship too soon? He sadly as most males that I have dated in the past couldnt cut it. Yes, I am picky. Yes, I have some standards...we all been desperate once in a while and made poor decisions and lowered our standards..I just did not realize that S.L. was that because sometimes lower standard males come in beautiful packages.

It was definetly my fault..but S.L. as I am finding out now was not for me at all. Once again I have fallen prey of the sex appeal of the alpha male and didnt bother to look further more..not about him but if that relationship will be good for me in the future...part of it of course, due to him feeding me bullshit from the beginning.

Then it happened, I received an email on my inbox from POF....with my matches...should I dare try again? Well that day I had read a book about how cortesans used to in the 1800s provide a bit of detail and description about themselves...you know what things to say to lure men and I found extremely resamblance to the profiles in POF. So I built one...how would I describe myself...yes Mary Jane...oh Watson..looking for Spidey...and then I built a clear...positive..bright profile highligthing only those things that a man with standards will want. Not to lure men but to find a true match of my abilities and aspirations.

Two guys stand out and I call one of them and started to talk..after a few conversations we decided to meet. He said he could fix anything. He said he was a can do attitude kind of guy. He sounded smart. I liked his sincere and straightforward attitude...he said his nickname was FIGJAM.
I wonder FIGJAM can you FIX broken hearts and broken spirits?

TO BE CONTINUED.....
Mystique James...out...Peace....and be safe out there!!!!

REMEMBER WHEN....?

My friend Encarna one of the sweetest and most loyal people I have ever known in my life, told me years ago something that always comes to mind in certain circumstances, she said that people are worse than animals and that they forget magically everything that you have done for them, but animals always offered their love unconditionally.

Now when she said that to me about seven years ago while both of our husbands were stationed in Aviano Air Force Base it didnt occur to me to ask her why she would say that. Sometimes we talk about the sin but not who the sinner is my grandmother Carmen will say. Today that thought came to mind when two of my dearest friends back home were caught making fun of the way my life is here in the USA. 

So my answer is this: Remember when all the kids in the neighboorhood were bullying you because you were different and I was right there defending you and getting into fights for you? More than once I went home with a black eye because of you. Remember when you were doing cocaine, and extasy and you couldnt get off it..and I went and put you under the cold shower and made you puke before you OD? I was there. Remember when you lost your child and I tried to come to Spain to give you money and get a lawyer so we could help you find him? I was there. Remember when you came to Florida to visit and even though I was broke I offered you my best bedroom, rent you a car for you and your friend and feed you, clothed you and drive you around so you could have fun and learned the American Culture?? I was there.

Remember when you got married to an immigrant from an eastern country and everyone did not approve and said things that were mean, misleading and cruel about you and her and I defended you and supported you with your decision? I was there. Remember when mom and dad were always fighting over stupid shit and I changed your diapers, cleaned you, fed you and sing to you by rocking your crib every night...well this you might not remember, but I was there.

When you needed someone to teach you to ride a bike or you scraped your knee and mom was so depressed she couldnt get off the bed and dad was having the time of his life living his life, I was there. When you decided to escape school and go play I was there to pick you up and put you back to school so you wouldnt get in trouble..I was there.

Remember when dad gave you this big job and was not given that chance because I was a girl and you ended up working for one of the most successful companies in the world? I was not there...I was bartending so we could eat...I was selling shoes and clothes to pay for my books so I could go to school...I was already a grownup once you were born. Remember when we moved to a new apartment and you were too little to help carrying furniture out of the truck..I was eleven...I was little too...but I was there for you.

Remember when you were heartbroken and were getting everyone's help financially and given chances like going to barber school or cooking school. I was not there, I was in the USA...heartbroken and broke donating blood and homeless and when you called me and you said: I need you....I went and help you out with words and with financial help.

So I asked both of you....last week why were not for me when I have always been for you. Love you guys. Mystique James.