HOW TO BE THE PERFECT CUAO 101

HOW TO BE THE PERFECT CUAO

OHHH...Singlehood...you just got out of that relationship that literally drained you of your energy, money, time, future goals, and of course trample of all over your heart at the same time that make you look like an ASSticle in front of everyone you knew including your children..your family...YOUR MOTHER...lets dont forget YOUR MOTHER!...I can clearly hear now the "I told you so...he was up to no good...you need to listen your mother..you say yes, but never do...men are hunters...there is a process...you need at least a year or two between relationships...how someone fell in love so fast....."

"Yes, Mom, I know...okay can we please drop it...again..." It seems like that's the only thing on their lips today the you are not getting any younger speech or richer...did you know she just break up with another one? she probably tells her friends....Arggg...I really thought I got it this time...he had kids...seemed to like mine,..had a job..WAIT! He didnt have a car...and okay I saw the red flags everywhere...it was like riding a bus to a very fun place looking through the window and the faster the bus went the more flags...you could see passing along the road...all of the HUGE giant red flags...all waiting FOR ME...AND BOOM when I run out of money...it hits...Huh...text from one of his redneck friends: what are you doing with a fat chick?..His answer: ...she had money at the time....WOW...What a fu$#$# piece of cow dong....It is beyond me how people can lie right to your face...and say the word I LOVE YOU right to you! It is classical epic letdown you thought you were the girl of his dreams...he started to think that way but...somehow....well lets look at evidence number one look below::::: yeah if freaking SUCKS!!!

I always wonder if somehow along the way..maybe I dont know or feel or ever felt what love is...Have you ever felt that way? If love feels different to different people how do you know...when is love or silliness?  Love for me looks like this: Teamwork you can always count on your mate for good or for bad.

 Fun and friendly: You might have many things in common or none but you can make the best of the worse situations together and you always think the best of them first...if not communicate and ask.

You can always tell you how you feel no matter how stupid..if they love you they wont dismiss you or tell you that you are crazy...someone that loves you will fight for you!

Mom was right as always, and at this point no point in arguing the truth when I heard myself defending the man that supposedly I was in love...at the time. Funny enough two weeks after our break up I found out after some realization that I was not in love.not sure what happened there...maybe part spell...maybe I saw an friend in trouble and wanted to help...a single dad living in poverty and two beautiful children with no mom...and I tried to convince myself that it will work out even on those multiple nights when we didnt have nothing in common and BY THE WAY...you better have something in common in that department...

Have you reader EVER have to convince yourself that you love someone or that someone loved you...? I mean .they had to love you right...they told you so right to your face...you felt it...Did they? How  you wonder they dont feel what I feel? What a freaking mess.

LOVE has been a present theme of thought throughout my life...how an individual can feel that initial spark...chemistry...crush...love...and sometimes last a lifetime and others a few weeks or minutes...even..SO I decided to come up with a plan. Get some ground rules. There had to be rules...how to actually find a male that will be perfect for you?  My search begun in the Self-Help isle at B& N. Fifty bucks later, I bought a couple of books ..I really wish they will disguise them better....argggg .....they even titled that isle "Self-Help" like we are sick with some disease and we are so weak and stupid we can figure it out...wait...that's pretty much how this kind of relationship makes you feel right...sick...blah....tired...depressed...now you know now that was the wrong kind of relationship to be on. What is wrong with me? NOTHING!!!

Being single is not a curse...is a decision..sometimes a wise one for many people. I decided to give it a try. Last March, after awful breakup and finally recuperating my now completely destroyed car...which he used and abused...I felt relieved....the morning ride was a bliss..no more getting up at five a.m. to drop 3 kids on three different schools and grandmas' house...no more lending money for food, gas, cable, and occasional clothes for my stepdaughters...I could get up two hours late...get my latte...drop my son which was much more relaxed and happy...and not being hit by the little stepdemon at every turn...and I even started to get looks from coworkers and friends...you are glowing they said...YES IT IS THE TASTE OF FREEEDOM FOR AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP....GOSH I DODGED A BULLET!!! Yes, Yoda...you always got my back!!!

I started my new job which I have to say helped me and saved me...a couple of my coworkers became my friends through the breakup and make me feel like I was worth it..thanks for remind me what I lost on the way!  As my thoughts and bad days were occupied now by my three year old Erik and my new training in the corporate America. I started to loose weight...became more confident... BECOME ME AGAIN... BECAME A FIRST YEAR CUAO.....never I will trust another MALE of the species NEVER...I became the RED DRAGON again. Do like they do use them and leave them..and for a while I was good at it. I was not fake, I did not lie, I was just like them but without the lies and cover ups. I was a CUAO first year.

Then I read a very powerful book on dating online and how to become a CUAO...it sounded like some brazilian bikini wax thingy, but I kept reading. I dont want to give away some of the rules since these books are not written by me...and these rules have been around before our Grannys but, the question that I was pondering was...Why games? Why rules?...why rules..because ladies...there are rules...even if we dont want to follow them,...believe in them...or act on them..the rules of how to be a CUAO.

So, WHAT IS A CUAO?...males of the species...close your eyes and ears...and go watch some ...I dont know football or pass the channels with the remote randomly never really stopping on a channel.

 Ladies look below:
“Being a creature unlike any other is a state of mind. Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It’s the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don’t babble on and on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demure, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight) and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back).”

Now that is just a definition, there is so many rules on how a CUAO should behave...this is not a system to trick a man into liking you..but it is a system never to forget what you are worth.

Now my problem readers is that I used to be a CUAO when I was young but I never knew what a CUAO was or is..most women start that way, but with age and time we forget that we are worth....and now I completely forgot how to be one naturally. My time in the U.S. Army didnt help to make me more of a lady that I was...in fact...heck the opposite...I am pretty straight forward...just like men are in general. So before we go into what is a CUAO and what are the rules ...your homework for this week is: “What is the difference that makes the same guy behave and treat 2 completely different women, differently?  

TO BE CONTINUED.....
Mystique James

THE CRAZY CAT LADY  FROM THE BLACK LAGOON

 Once Upon A Time there was a beautiful, smart, intelligent, sexy...hmmm WELL ME, princesss yeah! Well, okay that is not me below...but that is how I see myself..yeah that's right...this is my writing..my fantasy...and my story...so....there..suck it up buttercup....okay where I was going with this story oh...oh yeah...So Once Upon A time there was a beautiful princess that lived in a 1500 square feet flat in Temple Terrace she enjoyed the beautiful songs of the cardinals; the flapping wings of royal butterflies; and the attention of multiple suitors (it is still my fantasy...deal with it!)  in her beautiful yet enormous garden she will stroll everyday comtemplating the peasants from her tower..."Poor little bastards...oh...how do they work...I wish I could help somehow"

She was so happy surrounded by beauty and a golf course...rich men enjoying their retirement funds and geriatric retirees walking like zombies through her property..However, behind her beautiful flat...hmmm...i meant to say castle....there was "The Dark Garden and further down the back there was the Dark Lagoon," where the Crazy Cat Lady Had Been Seen Strolling Around!

:::::SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING HERE......"The Crazy Lady From The Black Lagoon"....sinister laughter....hahahahhahahhammm.

 One day the princess had to go to her sorority club to help students succeed and change lives, so she climbed into her Black Porsche and got ready for a new day. This was not a job to her since she was driving a porsche everyday to work and eating canapes and champagne...laughing with her sisters all day long about the peasants that did had to go to work, but unbeknownst to the princess the evil..crazy lady had moved next door...At first, everything started innocently, the Crazy Cat Lady will bring vegetables from the Black Lagoon and give them to the princess..oh how nice! The princess thought, but soon the princess started to note different weird occurrences happening in her garden.First her shelves dissapeared and her favorite table, then all the beautiful yellow and white dahlias and tulips were chopped leaving a deserted garden. Why and who the princess thought, who would do such a thing?

The princess tried to jump over the fence but instead of her beautiful flowers there was a cat fence full of bullet holes...This was never here before..the princess was really confused and scared..someone had decided to divide her garden in half...the butterflies and the cardinals will never come again...ohhhhh no....okay you can sob now reader...really...argggg. Then It Happened! There she was staring at the princess with her eyes wide open and petting her kitty cat Fruitloofff. "Come Here, Deary look what I did for You"-the crazy lady said and then there it was....ahhhhhhhhhhh-the princess screamed the most erie sound..nooooooohhhhhh-now the princess was histerical...what....what....my undiwears.....you....touchhhhhh them...ahhhhhh...Nooo touchiiiiiiiii

 Yes-the crazy lady said..I went into your house through a secret door and after looking at your computer..personal papers...changing the temperature to 75 degrees...I mean deerie really....you dont need to be at 77....after all you are going to be paying for the bill from TECO anyways...and ohh...drinking some of your wine...I hope you dont mind....I also clogged your toilets and showers.....so i could blame you later...wellll dearie....watch out with your personal files...and..pof...really you are not geetting any younger.Okay dearie...remember how I told you last week that you needed a hobby forget it....you really need a new boyfriend....But you cannot do that...said the princess. Remember dearrieeee-"The voices...are telling me to kill you!" If you and your son leave the property you will never return alive...alhahahahah.

The princess was scared and confused but thank god that she did meditation and yoga...daily...but she was scared the Crazy Cat Lady will come into the House. Why...she wondered...why the Crazy Lady will go through all this trouble to kick her out, after all i am paying her bills? Then one day, when the crazy lady got out the house the princess jumped the cat fence...went through the black garden..into the black lagoon...and then to her surprise...she saw ...THE HORROR.....There was a garden of crazy cat ladies some of them smoking weed..others trying out crazy scottish outfits...but the worse one was telling her to go to hell in the craziest language she had ever seen....

She used her middle finger...ha...said the princess I am not really sure what that means....but I better leave...she does have an ax. To her surprise the black lagoon was not black at all but full of TADDDDAMMMM UNDIES...omg she collects them...2000 bras and panties laid down on top  of the grass. That is why she cuts the flowers...finally some answers!!!! The princess is still living next to the crazy lady but now she has gotten smart not only she has a fence but also she has reinforcements. Show me that finger again, Crazy Cat Lady!!! Now I am ready!!!

MATHIAS

Last Monday, as always rushing to work..Kid in the  car..check...chocolate cookies..Orange Juice...argg no time for breakfast for mom today. !Mom get my car toys-Says Erik!..Omg..this...purse..book...keys..air is working...tire is flat again...got to stop in the Shell Truck Stop...out of gas...open purse...out of money...credit it is..no make up...eyeliner on...check..check..check...got to go to Dunkin Donuts!

I went to Riverview is 6:45 am..and I am late..I start work at 9;00 am..gosh hope I can make it..All of this going through my mind as I look myself in the mirror...well maybe i should have wore a suit..hope the nylons don't break..should I wear more makeup..everyone at work wears more makeup..got to loose another 20 mmm...maybe 30 pounds...forgot my necklace today..got to call mom...got to call both exes...one to pick up the kid...the other...one well...to ask why he cant pick up the kid.

Ladies you know how it is rushing to work...being a single mom...trying to please your kids..your ex..yourself...get it done in time....I went to Riverview...Erik watching transformers on my phone...Mom...he starts crying I dont want to go to school....!! He starts whining..then a new tactic...I start whining with a grim...Erik...I dont want to go to work....argggg-simulated crying....he stops...he starts laughing...Mommy Why Do you go to work?.....Erik...I have to. Why-asks Erik....I ask him if he likes our new house?...yes mom....do you like to go to the aquarium? Yes mom i like the jellyfish...the best! Do you like when mommy buys you trucks and cars to play with? Yes...mommy..okay buddy you and I are a team ...you go to school and I go to work...Well, mom I want to go to your work...wow..I thought I wish you could!

Let's say that we all go through mornings like this especially when you are a single parent..you are an advisor, a lecturer, the budget maker,...the home maker...the money maker...the priest...the psychologist, and the mechanic all in a bundle; that is the life of a single mom or dad, especially more challenging when either you have a toddler or a teenager...I am blessed to have both! Erik is holding to the chair..to my inner thigh...with the grasp of death..dont want to let go today...the teacher looks at me kindly: he is fine in the classroom...he will be okay...well it is 7:15 am...and i wish i could have a beer right now.

Riverview...on my way to MLK...stop at Dunkin Donuts drive-through..in 301 South..hispanic lady always makes my morning better...how sweetie what can I get you? A day off? I said..being sarcastic..She starts laughing...extra shot of coffee? Please Hit Me! Donut....? mmmm I did say i wanted to loose weight...wherever...throw caution to the wind!-Just make it a glazed!!! Cafe' con Leche Por Favor cari! Good looking guy on the window...You look stress out...I start giggling...Dark Eyes..Hawaian..6'5 ? nice looking I am guessing 30 something?...hmm...I wonder if he is single...my parent mode strucks in...too young..moving on...at this moment someone should slap me...wake up..! Dont worry, he says is on the house...really? Well..Thanks...Never Asked his name. The kid just trying to be nice.

Going around..omg they gave me a croissant instead of a donut. Stop..park the car...breaks are faltering..great! Then a young black man resembling Asher comes out of a BMW..hi is your name Susie? Yes..how does this guy know? Well..I kind of follow you? Whaaaat...creepo!!! This must be yours...he hands me my daughters iphone5..yes..i guess you put gps on your daughters phone and it was connected to yours...oh thanks...well...thanks very much...wow...they still nice people in this world. I asked him his name: Mathias..he smiles. Do you want a reward?..he starts laughing..No thanks.. and got into his beautifull....yes I want that car BMW. I guess not a creep just a nice guy.

That got me thinking..yes I do that from time to time..how we always focus on the negatives..how easy it is...to go to the negatives...so today...be prepared this is a long post..i will give you some of the positives that I have experienced in my life...some of my best...and I was thinking that in my life...i actually have more positives than negatives when I started to think about it...

Year 1-remember the bedspread of my parents bed..warm and comforting presence of my mother..feeling protected.

Year 5-My mother taught me how to draw...she draws a family of mice...dad mice had a top hat...mom mouse had a bow on her head...baby mouse...

Year 6-Kids in school make fun of me when I win a painting contest..because i painted elephants with long legs suspended in the air...i was crying..dad came up to me and said...see..this is a painting of a very famous painter...he also painted elephants with long legs and clocks melting...I see them in my dreams..dad..

Year 8-My two uncles Jesus and Gregorio teach me how to ride my yellow mountain bike on my grandmothers' house they spent the whole day teaching me and then we sit to eat sandwiches and water the flowers in my grandmother's garden.

Year 12-My first kiss..this blonde kid with freckles and blue eyes..Sergio...gives me a sunflower and tells me I love you...lol..gives me a first kiss.

Year 14-My best friend and I we met in kindergarten (Marta)...we make a path to be friends forever...we still talk...we still best friends...they say that if you have a friendship with a person for 7 years it will last a lifetime.

Year 15-I travel all over Europe..love Amsterdam...hate Paris...Love dancing...Love the Mona Lisa...Love Belgium Chocolate and Beer....9 days with no parents...yeahhah!

Year 19-I meet my soulmate...sometimes soulmates don't end up together. More of that to come I guess.

Year 20-Sing professionally at a Piano Bar...go on tour all over Spain and Europe...love to sing..love the crowds.

Year 23-Move to Germany...have my first born...saw his soul entering my body and 5 minutes later...K was born..

Tell me about your positives...Think about it..every day you got more positive things that happen in your life than negatives...so tell me are you focusing on the negatives or the positives in your life? As a friend of mine will say...we need to focus in the Now. Please readers check: https://www.eckharttolletv.com/v3/join/default.aspx

Love, Mystique James

A WITCH'S 10 COMMANDMENTS

This week I met a friend whose name should be unnamed as I protect the privacy of my confidants, does a name really matter is it not another label, labels that we acquire over time?
My friend and I discussed many topics from religion, Astronomy, to ancient civilizations, Chemistry (the center science), relationships, and everyday things like our kids.

 When I looked at him I am and was ashamed on how far down the rabbit hole I have traveled ..I lost my way somehow..between figure it out how much gas can I go on empty before I break down in the highway...or how much money is left for groceries...or why sometimes I feel like I am losing my battle as a single mother. Life is hardship..my grandmother would have said..but I always thought that life was our practice test for the real afterwords.

Sitting there next to me my friend and I drinking some ale and being vulnerable we shared a lot in a short amount of time,...I heard him talk about his way and new path to self discovery, how he got there and I saw peace in his eyes and I wonder why I failed the goddess and myself when it seems that for the last year or more I have not been able to enjoy the simple things without worrying about the mundane things. I don't consider myself to be a perfect human being but I have tried to strive in doing well for myself and my kids every day and of course when possible some of my friends and extended family with what I had. I was honored and I am honored to have such a friend that through meditation and self discovery has found answers and a new way of living what Buddish Religion calls the Eightfold Path.

Most of my family members became outraged and extremely prejudiced over my new found religion almost three years ago. Nonsense! said my mother. Your grandmother will say, that is the devils work! I thought you have gone crazy! My mother exclaimed on the phone..and suddenly I felt really alone, the only one of my kind. A Hedge Witch nonetheless alone and it felt like high-school again when kids will tease me because my parents were the only ones divorced while I was attending Catholic School or when the girls stole the clothes from the gym showers when I was fourteen and I had to walk two floors to the rectory and explain that the girls played a prank on me to try to teach me a lesson: Dont be different! However as painful as that memory is, I told my daughter E., they taught me a lesson..no one can break your spirit if you dont let them. No one can affect your behavior if you dont let them.

So today I decided to explain that not all pagans are wiccans; not all witches are wiccans; and not all wiccans are witches and just because we are wiccans, pagans, witches...or different...that does not mean we are bad. I always remember Jessica Rabbits' words..a cartoon from the movie Roger Rabbit saying: "I am not bad...I am just drawn that way." Are you drawn that way?

Confused yet?  It will be difficult for me to explain in a few lines how or why I decided to wear the title of witch or wiccan or both. I defined myself as a Norse Wiccan I identify with that culture..part of my ancestry comes from when the Vikings invaded Spain..my ancestors were the woman folk that were raped or assimilated by that culture.

So fellow christian friends how well do you know your 10 commandments? How well do we all practice them daily?  Below is a comparison of the Christian Commandments and the Wiccan.

1. The Judeo-Christian First Commandment says: I am the Lord thy God which have brought thee out of the Land of Egypt, out of the house of Bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

1. Wiccan or Neo-Paganism: Thou are God/dess.

2. The Judeo-Christian: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them..

2. Wiccan: As above, so below, as within, so without.

3. Judeo-Christian: Thou salt not take the name of the Lord in vain.

3. Wiccan: Spirit abides in all things. Words and names have power.

4. Judeo-Christian: Remember this Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work; but the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God; in it thou shalt not do any work.

4. Wiccan: Maintain an Attitude of Gratitude. Walk the Talk.

5. Judeo-Christian:Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land.

5. Wiccan: Honor thy ancestors, teachers, elders and leaders.

6. Judeo-Christian: Thou shalt not kill.

6. Wiccan: All life is sacred.

7.Judeo-Christian: Thou shalt not commit adultery.

7. Wiccan: All Acts of Love and Pleasure Are Sacred.

8. Judeo-Christian: Thou shalt not steal.

8. Wiccan: Whatever you sent out returns threefold.

9. Judeo-Christian: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour

9. Wiccan: Love is the law, love under will.

10. Judeo-Christian: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, wife, manservant, maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbour's.

10. Wiccan: For the greatest good an it harm none.

Maybe we should be looking not how we are different but how we are equal. Hugs. Mystique.

Why You Suck!: DEAR JOHN

Why You Suck!: DEAR JOHN: DEAR JOHN...OMG DEAR JOHN... This is a letter to the one I will meet someday. I don't know where you are or who you are..but it ...

DEAR JOHN

DEAR JOHN...OMG DEAR JOHN...

This is a letter to the one I will meet someday. I don't know where you are or who you are..but it is just not fun for me here waiting for you. Quit messing around sending messages and texts full of how wonderful you are and let's get it on...for gods' sake...look John see the pic above...that is what I want...heck what all females want...kissing in the rain...with the gorgeous and unique....hmmmm thought processes lost....oh, yeah....got it back...with the gorgeous and talented.....Mr. Channing Tatum. Okay so Channing Tatum is never going to see this blog because this blog excuse my french is shitty, but you John...maybe you might.

John why are you playing Ninja with me? Why you hide between all these impostors...I mean come on...the bipolar fallen angel...the techie with no...brains...hmmm,...the angel with no commitment.....the casual dater...with no 401k...really? The Yogi that talks about sex postures and anatomic posture....gosh put me to sleep seriously, this guy is worse than a diabetic comma! And I used to teach Astrophysics for a living...now I have seen it all!

John while you are waiting for your perfect memorable romantic chance to meet me I am managing by eating Chocolate Mint Brewer's ice cream and losing a pound or two by doing push-ups on my desk. I HAVE TO BALANCE OKKKK???? DONT JUDGE ME YOU..YOU...PEOPLE...yeah that was me going bipolar in your assticles for a minute.....okay....One day I am a red head the next I am a platinum blonde...One minute I am crying the next I am baking soap and the next I am unfriending people on Facebook because I am bored out of my frigging mind!

Then let me show you John what is like to be me. I mean what are you waiting for? Saturday nights are a blur of movies in this case the most time it passes the more girly movies I watch...the more hormonal i get...and let's face it...the  more liquor I want to buy...not a pretty thing to watch...not a pretty sight.

I mean sometimes i get back to being you know 4 years old and other times...look I look like Pelosi...gosh that is awful! Girl..not sure how she is going to get back to normal...someone pump some air on this woman!

It is all your fault, John, Now I watch the muppets or a commercial for Dawn Dish-washing liquid Soap and I cry, I sobbed...for Tiny Tim and wonder how amazing is that a blue liquid can get rid of the fat so fast, and yet I cannot.

Now going back to what women want. We don't want perfect. We want normal. We don't want close talkers, open mouth eaters, grammar nazis, low talkers, Indian givers, two-faced bizarro baby face males...what we want is down to earth..caring...and of course if possible with a big....hmmm testicles...spectacles...wallet and watch...okay got it...good dates.

Girlies you saw the movie...this guy goes through a war almost 10 years...comes back...still in love with her...goes through hell and back...still loves her...keeps her letters...these after only two weeks of spending time with her....Have you seen the movie I mean I was like reaching for the kleenex...grabbing for dear life to my woobie blanket (yes okay i have a security blanket i used...alright...at least is a military camouflage one...yes i cried just like below......"I want to kisss in the rainnn.....arhahhaahhahhh....why meeeee....argggg! Yes I cried like a mofo and after I was done it was time for Baileys..I mean when guys get dumped I heard they go to strip clubs, but where do we go??? Publix....to get some ice-cream...so not fair.

Well I am attaching a link just in case....dont thank me till later you are waiting for John around...JUST LIKE ME and by that I didnt mean...you are waiting for JOHN around...okay? and well desire strikes here we go: http://www.cowboys4angels.com/

954.234.7546

No this is not my company..no i have not tried the product...because I cannot afford it..and yes I am broke but for some of you ladies...that look for the perfect male experience and some company dont do like me dont stay on the weekends in sobbing over Tiny Tim and bubbles....have fun...live a little...and try some cowboys and angels. HEEEEHAHHHHH!

MY BEST 10 DATES

My readers want saucy details and due to me trying to hold to my sanity and my job...and my extended family which possibly they think i am deprived of any kind of decency is extremely difficult to let my hair go...no pun intended..and use a certain kind of details and language that could be consider inappropriate for a lady of my stature (pun more intended)..sooo instead of making fun of me...which possibly other people do...already...I will dear ladies and chicks show you random male profiles from websites i frequent....so you can see HomoNonErectus trying to catch their perfect female for sport..for fun...for marriage...Now mind you I have not met any of them (I swear) but I thought just in case you are thinking on cheating on your boyfriend, husband or significant other..THINK AGAIN...I KNOW that some of these pics...MIGHT BE GRAPHIC...and SOME HORRRIFYING....just remember to have a bit of merlot...before going to bed...YOU BEEN WARNED....for you to see what awaits in this jungle of erectile dysfunction males and commitment phobics.

SUSPECT#1 EGG

Are you sitting down? Get the tissues...the icecream...and a lot of WINE and travel with me....tooooo POFLANDIA....Here we go....SUSPECT #1 (names and handles have been erased to protect the innocent)....Okay Here we go...SUSPECT #1 Once I saw this pic i knew I will forever if I ever met him be the happiest of women in the world...I mean the vacant expression, the longing eyes...the uncombed unmanageable hair....Really???? He is sweating his butt off in this weather...first ...he has hair in the wrong side of the egg...hmmm mean head...i cannot see his eyes...Guys the whole wear the glasses thing...creepy..non-attractive...is not the 80s anymore and Koyak is not cool anymore...NEXT!!!!

SUSPECT #2 BONJOVI

SUSPECT#2...Maybe is the same dude all I know I used to wear my hair like that.WELL it was a wig i bought for 50 bucks because i wanted to look like Farrah ...but..Possibly the dude is cool Again...scary at shit...who will date this dude seriously? However i bet he can play guitar like the dickens...


SUSPECT#3...I guess he is showing us his best part...don't fret ladies is not what you think...again creepy...more creepy...if you are doing that dude you make want to call SUSPECT #1 and SUSPECT#2 and buy some glasses.

SUSPECT#3 DR. STYE

SUSPECT#4 I CAN HOLD MY CAMERA AND YOU CANNOT WHAT I AM DOING WITH MY OTHER HAND...EWWWWW!!!!

  SUSPECT#4 He says on his profile "You better pick Me,"....or what punk??? or what??? He actually seems like a decent guy although not my type..but you could at least talk photography..I bet that is the biggest thing he owns...does size matter?

SUSPECT#5 FABIO..Well I guess I found Fabio from I cannot believe is not butter in Tampa...now he still goes with no shirt on..but he lives in a trailer down by the river...cover up man you don't want to show all the goodies..

SUSPECT #5 FABIOLOUSOS Well leave the Shirt Off and Where is the Butter?

SUSPECT#6 PAT

SUSPECT#6 is my FAVE...because at least this guy you can see it...he is who he is and he does not give a RAT'SSSS butt...who knows it...you got my sympathy my brother...who wouldnt attract a woman of quality with a draft of the cheapest beer...half stoned...out of your mind...and that wonderful charming expression of love that says....i am your prince and I came to rescue you from your life of dispair...OMG....I actually think it will be interesting to meet this guy.GIVE HIM A PEPSI COMMERCIAL...HIS OWN SHOW.......LOL...NOTT!!! NEEESSXXTTT! 

SUSPECT#7 YOGI RAMA

SUSPECT#8  MR. MORTI

SUSPECT#7 Now the ladies have been asking me to provide them with someone that is Flexible..you know...understands their needs..Well LOOK NO FURTHER chickies...suspect #7 is the man of your dreams...you know it ...I know it...now EVERYONE'S knows it...awesomeness. SUSPECT #8 MIGHT need a visa...or work for ISIS...LIKE i really feel bad for this guy..I mean..it looks like he has not sleep for more than 2 months...some of the guys on the site they looked like a dog chewed them up and spit them back up...Maybe Pat could give him a beer and Yogi Rama...could show him some relaxation techniques SO he does not look like he might want to built a car bomb...oh crap I said the B word!!! Tell you the truth chickies these guys are not even the worse out there....oh...more... more ...she says here we go the last two for the night...SUSPECT#9 Forgot the rest of the group..you know the XMAN...Professor Xavier..looks at least like he can manage a party and more..what's up with the Fu-Manchu motif? Wow..Well once you are over 40 hair starts growing in unsuspecting places...

SUSPECT #9 PROFESSOR XAVIER

However no party is complete...and I have to say this one was the best dressed for the party...and I bet the best prospect of all with Jenny Suspect #10. 

SUSPECT#10 JENNY

Now ladies these are not by far the worse out there...i mean...the guys are creative for sure with names like: slytherin...why not...p-nut,...dryhumping..., or heave..whizingkid...(i wouldn't even know what to say to that...), coolusername..,osobear (actually that is good for him since he is one big boy...)..BananaHammer...really?? desperatemeasures...etc...they tried their best...what interesting mix of people...i wonder if they will find their love...i wonder if suspect number one will keep the wig,..suspect number 2 will exchange glances or hair with professor Xavier...while Fabio and Pat work in a Coca Cola Commercial. Well, Dont hold your breath Yogi Rama...Mr. Morti is coming tot he rescue with Jenny to complete the unnameable 10.